Scarlet Red
by Natfanfirst
Summary: Natalie and John share a drunken one night stand and go their seperate ways. What happens when the meet again for the first time months later? Read and see! NC17
1. Chapter 1 Smut

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**Chapter 1**

"Hey is this seat taken?" John McBain said as he walked up to the bar, it had been a hard day today, everyday, his life was hard, it was miserable but he dealt with it, but today, today was out of the ordinarily hard, today he left a place he had worked for what seemed like forever, a place most nights he called home, a job that was his life. He quit his job and decided to get on with life, Life he laughed as he shook his head. He asked the bar keep for a bottle of Whiskey and a glass as he started onto his full-blown stupor.

"Shot of JD" Natalie asked the bar keep, taking the only available seat at the crowed bar. It was at the end and it was a good seat she thought, kind of secluded so to speak. She only had a stool on one side of her for others to sit, only one person, she thought. One person to annoy her when she wanted to be alone this fine evening, Fine... ha! She laughed out loud, what a joke that was...

"You know what, make it a double" she screamed across the bar to the bar keep before he headed back with her drink

John sat at the end of the bar, drinking away his sorrows, his life, he downed almost half a bottle of whiskey as he looked across the now emptying bar, straight across as his eye's became a bit fuzzy, he was well on his way to that hang over, that stupor, he noticed something that caught his eye.

Natalie sat and ordered two more shots, six in all so far and she was feeling no pain, which was a good thing cause if she was, hell! She would be a mess right now, somewhere drowning out her sorrows or was it hostilities. She raised her shot glass to chug it when she looked straight across thru the bar, to the other end of it to be exact, things were looking a bit fuzzy but something, someone caught her eye. He had dark brown hair, or no, was it black, she couldn't really make it out and she didn't really care to even try, she saw him to looking, they locked watery eye's and she held her glass up to him, he to on his side of the bar, held up his glass, they nodded, at the same time they drank.

Shot after shot this went on with Natalie and John, both just drowning what ever it was they needed to eliminate, eliminate if only for tonight, after about and hour the bar keep called "Last Call, you too" he said and it was only then that Natalie noticed she and that dark haired man, or was it black haired man were the only two in the bar.

John took shot after shot with some woman who sat at the furthest part of the bar away from him. She matched his shots, each and every last one of them, although, he lost count how many he had actually had sometime after the...the... he wasn't even sure when he lost count, this thing, this woman sitting far away from him, his vision was a bit fuzzy but he could make out her hair, "Red" he said out loud, "Scarlet Red".

"I called you a cab Miss" the bar keep told Natalie as she started to stand and try to walk at the same time as her drinking partner on the other end of the bar.

"I called a cab, " the barkeep told John as he stood unsteadily and made his way towards the door the same as Scarlet.

Natalie and John some how made it outside the bar as they saw the bar keeper close the place. Neither spoke and neither wanted to, they locked eyes as they stood close, and both unsteadily. After about fifteen minutes of trying to focus their eye's trying so desperately to see almost, to forget, a single cab showed, still without any words spoken they both moved drunkenly to t he cab, both got in. sat side by side as the cabby asked.

"Where to you two?" he asked and the glare, the staring, the non-words, the blue eye's, now reddened, the eye's spoke.

"The nearest Hotel" Natalie told the cabby

Five minutes later, drunk to drunk they barely got the room door opened as they started tearing at each others clothes, his mouth came upon hers in a fiery attack and her hands started rubbing his penis thru his black pants. His hands, they ripped at her shirt, throwing buttons across the room and scattering about. He frantically took a hold of her large breasts thru her bra and started running his fingers underneath the fabric to feel her already hardened nipples.

Natalie let out a drunken evil smirk as she used her mouth to form her first words to him of the night. She pulled his body even closer than it was before, tightly and aggressively she tugged at his belt. Looked into his reddened baby blue eyes.

"Take them off," she told him and he wasted no time doing what she commanded

John pushed his pants and his boxers down his legs urgently, pulling them off the bottom of his feet and throwing them to the ground, he moved back up to see her eye's darken and start to kneel down in front of him. He heavily sighed as he felt her hands run along his erect shaft, he closed his eye's as he felt her mouth begin to lick and tease at his hardness, he smiled as he grabbed the back of her head tangling his hands in her hair, pulling her in closer, deeper as she primed him.

Natalie moved off of his penis when she could tell he was close.

"Don't want it over before it began" she told him as she saw him open his closed eye's as she began to stand, he grabbed her arms and pulled her urgently up and towards his lips, his tongue pushed his way into her mouth and his hands took a hold of her hips, not pulling her closer this time but pushing her towards the bed behind them.

He pushed her down, as he came on top of her, she moved back on her elbows as he pulled at her pants, she unzipped them quickly as he pulled them off of her, leaving her in her red lace panties for only a second as he took his hand and pulled them too down and off of her, he ran his hand up and down her thigh, as his other hand took hold of one bra strap at a time, he pushed them down, one side by one side, as he exposed her white breasts. He wasted no time attacking her nipples with his warm mouth and tongue as she laid back and arched up. Over and over heightening the sensation of his mouth on her nipple as he wet it and then blew it dry.

John intertangled his legs in between her thighs, rubbing his knee up against her core, he felt her legs wrap around him and start to pull his body into hers closer. She started breathing heavy, moaning almost as if she needed it, and he knew she needed it, he needed it, to forget, to just release without thinking involved. Without words involved. He saw and felt how frantic she was for him, he moved himself to enter her as he finally spoke a word or two.

"Is this what you want Scarlet?" he asked in a raspy, seductive voice that made her inside scream for him to be inside her even more. He saw her slight smirk, he pushed himself into her, and pushed them to a place they both so need tonight, a Place neither would remember tomorrow, neither would want to.

Two months later

"Nice of you to join us Ms. Buchanan, the meeting started an hour ago"

"Sorry Uncle Bo... I mean Commissioner Buchanan," she said with a slight smirk, as she knew he was kidding around.

"What's this about?" she asked him

"I'm introducing the new chief of Detectives, and he to seems to be running a bit late," Bo said as he looked up to see him outside the window of the interrogation room.

"Here he is right now"

"Great, I've got work to do" Natalie spat out as she ignored the man that walked in

"Listen up, hey... listen up, this is John McBain, new Chief of Detectives, treat him with respect, he's your new boss" Bo said as Natalie finally looked away from talking to someone and her mouth fell open.


	2. Chapter 2

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**Chapter 2**

Natalie was standing when the dark haired man walked in, she suddenly felt ill, sick, she took a seat in the back so he wouldn't see her.

'Shit' she yelled at herself inside, of all the freaking luck, the first one-night stand she had ever had, shows up, and he's now her boss. Not technically but yeah, he was a superior, she was forensics, she answered to her Uncle but... but she interacted with the chief of detectives all the time, most of the time, almost every case. She put her head in her hands, 'how the hell am I going to handle this'.

John Mcbain spoke to the squad, the Llanview police Department, the uniformed cops, the Detectives, Forensics. He was exact with his words and clear, he was here to work and he expected 100 from all of them, each and every one of them.

"All right now, everyone get back to work" Bo announced as he walked closer to Lt Mcbain, he shook his hand.

"Good to have you here Lt, you will definitely be an asset to our department' he said as he saw, as Bo saw Natalie's flash of Red hair out of the corner of his eye. He turned to her

"Hey, Buchanan, come and personally meet the man you'll be spending so much time with" he said with a smile as he noticed she was acting odd which wasn't her, if he didn't know better, she was trying to avoid him, them.

Natalie heard her uncle, the commissioner, what the hell was she going to do, she was about to tell him she had something important, later she'd meet him but the man turned her way, John Mcbain turned her way, her new boss, so to speak turned her way. It was to late for excuses. She walked closer to them and only hoped he was to drunk to remember her, to remember a damn thing.

"John Mcbain, this is my top Forensics Tech Natalie Buchanan, my niece," he said as he introduced them, he whispered the last part as if a secret of some sorts.

John saw her and he stood for a minute, her red hair, even the face although it was a bit fuzzy from that night, he thought he knew who he was looking at, not a 100 sure at this point till an officer came up to her and asked her something.

"I told you I would have your DNA analysis by noon, its only ten, go away" she told the officer demanding, he shook his head, smiled briefly a bit hoping no one saw and then knew for sure. He would recognize that commanding voice anywhere, drunk, sober or even deaf. He would know.

Natalie dealt with the officer, the nagging officer who wanted his reports and then turned around and knew she had to shake his hand, the hands that she so vaguely remember up and down her body, even parts inside at one point.' play this cool Natty, he was to drunk to remember you, to remember it, to remember it over and over' she stopped herself and put out her hand for him to shake.

"Nice to meet you Lt." she told him as he shook her hand and he smiled briefly, he saw she wasn't smiling; she was serious.

"Nice to meet you too Scarlet...I mean Natalie" he said covering as if he made an error but she knew better, he was just getting off on remembering that night, that long night, 'shit' she said inside, if that wasn't one of the stupidest things she had ever done in her life and now it was coming back to bite her in the ass, and to continue to bite her everyday, day in and day out at work, in this small town. She shook her head as she saw him give her a look, a smirk even.

"I've got work to do, it was nice meeting you" she told him and left him and her uncle standing alone in the interrogation room. Both men watched her walk away and then Bo turned, looked at Lt Mcbain and got a gut feeling, a feeling of something he just didn't know, he ignored it and proceeded to take John into what was going to be his office.

Bo had shown John his office and left him to get to a meeting, John was unpacking his box of stuff, putting it around his new office, it was nice, he thought as he looked around, cozy almost. He looked up towards the door as he heard a knock.

"Come in" he yelled as he looked up to see her standing there, Scarlet. He gave her a smirk as she walked into his office.

"I was told by my uncle to give you this file, it's on a case the old acting Chief and I were working on together," she told him as she handed him the file. He took it from her and tipped his head a bit.

"Thanks, can I ask you something?" he told her as she was about to walk out of his office, she stood frozen for a minute, 'Shit' she screamed inside, he wanted to ask something about that night, she wanted to just forget.

"Yes" she said politely as she finally turned

"Do you think it's a good idea?"

"What?" she asked confused as to what he was asking.

"To be calling the commissioner, uncle at work, I don't think its something that's appropriate or professional" he told her, and the way he said it, his tone, his demeanor, he was an asshole. Who the hell was he to tell her what to call her uncle, her uncle was the damn Commissioner, his fucking boss, and he had no problems with it.

John saw he got under her skin and that was what he had intended to do, he held back his smile as he saw her trying so desperately not to get mad at him.

'Lt, I think maybe you don't understand things, things around here, we are a small town, everyone knows everyone, hell...I'm related to half this small town, and as for me referring to the commissioner as my uncle, he does not have a problem with it, so neither should you, if that is all?' she asked cold and testy as he nodded his head and she left.

John laughed as he saw her walk out his door steamed, it was a cute color for her, and her face almost matched her scarlet hair. Five minutes later there was another knock on his door. He looked up to see his younger brother Michael at the door.

"Hey, settling in nicely I see" Michael said as he took a seat in front of his brother's desk.

"Yeah, just trying to find my bearings Mikey, just trying to fit in" he told him as he to sat, as he sat he noticed her thru the window of his office leading into the lobby, she was talking to a few officers and was even smiling a bit, he smiled, as he thought he was smiling inside but apparently he wasn't as he saw Michael turn to see what he was so caught up in.

"John, she's a no- no," he told him as he turned back around, John looked straight into his face.

"A no-no Michael, didn't they teach you big words in Medical school" he said and they both laughed, John tried for a few minutes to change the subject but he was really intrigued now to know why Michael thought she was a no-no as how he put it.

"Why Mikey?" he asked as a confused Michael took another look behind him to see her bending down for something, he turned to see John's eye's widen and he snapped his finger in front of his face.

"John, there are more reasons than you could possibility imagine, so I'll just spell out the obvious ones, like the two of you will be working together, side by side probably, she and Karl, the last chief were more like partners than anything else. That alone is a huge reason"

"So, what else? You said more reasons" john asked as he watched behind Michael again and she walked away.

'There are plenty of reasons, Natalie is somewhat of a friend, she really is great but... but... she's been involved with a few, lets just say men around town and... well.."

"Are you saying she's easy?"

"Oh, No, she's anything but easy, not easy in anyway, anyone involved with her just ends up ... lets just say she can make the strongest men cry and we'll leave it at that, and ... and with everything she's gone thru in her life, it really is a bit understandable."

John heard Michaels words and he was right, he wouldn't be putting much effort into finding out more, nor perusing more, she was a colleague, someone he would be working closely with, he had to just try and get that night, that long night of mind blowing sex out of his head.

Michael and John caught up on things and made plans to meet at Rodi's for dinner, Michael was about to leave when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in" john yelled as Scarlet... Natalie walked in.

"We've got a hit and run on Sanders Road, I'm heading over now, Oh, Hi Michael how are you?" she asked as she faced him, 'shit ... Mcbain...he's Michael's brother', this was getting worse by the minute. She looked between the two as she said hello to Michael and she got a weird vibe, 'damn him, he was probably bragging something to his brother' she told herself as she decided at that moment they would have to talk about it, talk about that drunken night of sex, she had so hoped to just ignore it but... but she couldn't, she couldn't have this asshole of a man going around this small town telling everyone.

She heard Michael finally say hello and she smiled.

"I haven't had time to learn the area much, give me a minute I'll ride with you" John told her as he saw her face, she got white as a ghost, he chuckled inside to himself as he turned to Michael and told him he'd see him later.

John meet Natalie outside by her truck, he got in, in complete silence and they drove to the scene of the accident. After a few minutes of awkward silence Natalie decided she needed to say something, anything.

"We are going to have, to have a little talk about that night" she told him as she wanted to control the situation, the conversation, she wanted him to know she was no push over, what happened, it wouldn't be happening again, and he was best not to even think about it.

"What night?" he asked as he smirked a bit, she turned her body slightly as she drove and saw his smirk, he had just pissed her off even more 'fuck you' she wanted to tell him so back but she contained herself, she needed to put him in his place, put this ass in his place.

"You know, you really are an ass, thank God I was to drunk that night to remember anything but your face." she told him and he turned serious for a bit, did she really not remember it, that night, the night that he couldn't get out of his mind, the night he was brought to some... some..., he shook his head not knowing how to describe that place she brought him to over and over that night, the place he swore any woman would have never forgotten.

" Don't really think you were that drunk by the third encounter that night, definitely not by the fourth and oh, lets not forget the fifth in the chair" he told her smugly as her face started to steam, turn Scarlet, he thought as he laughed inside.

'What the fuck' she said inside at his smug comments,' this asshole doesn't know who he's dealing with'

"Listen, if I could remember it, I'm sure there was no third, fourth or fifth time in any chair, as a matter of fact as I was checking you out earlier, I'm very doubtful there was a first or second, your equipment is a bit... how would I put it, Old" she said as he couldn't help but laugh this time out loud.

Natalie heard him laugh and she went in for the low blow, he low punch, she wouldn't be laughed at or humiliated by him or things, rumors being spread around this small town.

" You do know what they say about Old Wood,... it doesn't stand the test of time" she said as he wasn't sure if he should still be laughing or getting pissed by her comments. 'Bitch' he thought to himself, she was a bitch. Her mouth would definitely keep him from perusing her now, or would it? He asked himself as he took a look at it, it was curled up, serious, her mouth, the things it did to him that night, he shook his head, 'get that damn night out of your head, Mcbain'


	3. Chapter 3

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**Chapter 3**

John glared at Natalie for a minute as they approached the scene, he spoke no words after her harsh words and he felt it for the best.

They both jumped out of the truck and proceeded to look over it.

Natalie walked over towards the ambulance that was on the sight, she waved hello to the EMT's as she proceeded to the gurney with the Victim in it, he was dead, she pulled the sheet off of him for a minute and looked at him, poor guy, in his twenties, good looking, black hair, bit unkempt.

She was still looking over the dead man when he came up behind her, right behind her; he leaned in near her ear purposely as he spoke.

"I found his Wallet in the bushes, he must have lost it when the car hit him" he said as he saw her move away from him a bit. Was he making her nervous? He asked himself as he saw her quickly move. He shook it off, this was work, business, that was something else, nothing interfered with his work, nothing, not even her and her sexy body he thought as she leaned down to pick something up off the ground, not even her breasts as he saw a glimpse down her shirt as she retrieved a piece of evident from the floor.

He started to sweat a bit; he pulled at his tie and loosened it as she walked back over by him as she bagged the evidence.

"What did you find?" he asked her and she showed him the bag.

"A cigarette butt" she told him and he took the bag from her hands and looked at it.

"And why do you think it has anything to do with this" he asked her with a condescending tone, almost like he thought she was wrong. 'Ass' she told herself

"Because its pretty fresh, it may or may not have anything to do with case but... but if it does and we don't process it, we could be overlooking key evidence"

"What will you do with it?" he asked and she was starting to feel like a trainee, the way he asked questions, like she was some sort of flunky on her first assignment.

"I'll run all the proper tests, DNA to start, there's lipstick on it, and if that is all the questions I'd like to get back to canvassing the area" she told him and asked snidely, he was under her skin, way under, it would take a lot to get him out from under and she knew it, hell! She could tell he knew it.

"No more questions for now, don't go far, I may have a few more," he told her snidely as if putting her in her place, this was his scene, he called the shots. She shook her head as she turned and rolled her eyes.

She walked about ten feet away from where the man was found. She scrunched down and looked at the rubber markings made by tires. Skid marks, she told herself as he walked closer.

"Someone left in a hurry" he said as if not obvious, she bite her lip to tell him no shit and stood up to walk around and make sure they hadn't missed any evidence.

He followed behind her a few feet, just far enough to watch her ass move as she walked around, he bite his own cheek and hard, the pain would help to keep him distracted, distracted from thoughts of that night, thoughts of her and her body now." what the hell is wrong with you" he asked himself out loud as he saw her turn.

"Excuse me Lt," she asked thinking he was speaking to her. He shook his head. Damn! He told himself this time, I need to stop this and now, it's all about business, nothing else.

She stood for a few minutes going over things in her head, the evidence, all the evidence; she looked behind her for a second, just after he said his words that he insisted he didn't say towards her. She saw him look up at her after he himself evaluate the scene, his baby blue eye's met hers and she quickly looked away as if afraid, afraid she might be weakened by them, afraid remembering the dark color tone they took when he was excited, the even darker shades they took upon his release,' damn it Natty' she told herself ' don't go there, don't lose control again' one night of lost control was all she could handle, one night of vulnerability.

She walked back over by him as she completed her canvassing of the area.

"I'm done, when you are ready we can leave," she told him and he nodded.

"One final walk around and I'll be with you," he told her as he again look over the scene for anything she may have missed.

"I'm ready," he told her as they proceeded to the truck. Once in the truck he sat silent, they sat silent as he saw her trying to think things over in her head.

"Anything coming to you?" he asked her and she looked confused for a minute

"Oh, the case, yes, oh, no, not yet, I tend not to speculate till the facts come in, till I've looked over all the evidence, to speculate at this time is just a waste of time, energy and brain power" she told him and he shook his head, that was exactly how he did his cases, using the evidence, the facts first to guide him, he smiled realizing for the first time tonight how good she really was.

Natalie was caught up in thoughts of ... of her vulnerability and the night she threw caution to the wind for the first time since she became a Buchanan, she heard his words while she was in such deep thought and she freaked by them.

"You were Good," he told her meaning the work she did tonight, the processing of the scene, she however didn't like his compliment.

Natalie quickly moved her truck to the side of the road, slammed it into park, as her face was already the color of her hair.


	4. Chapter 4

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**Chapter 4**

" What?" he asked as she jumped out of the truck, her face was still flaming, and her body was tense, he could tell, he grinned and followed her out of the truck.

"You son of a bitch" she yelled at him as she paced back and forth acting as if she was a lunatic acting as if she might punch him.

"Okay, not understanding what is going on and what you are so mad about now" he told her in a level, even tone, not wanting to piss her off more.

"What you just said in the truck, about me being good! Does it ring a bell asshole?" she told him, as she got closer, he was actually starting to find this quite amusing. Find her quite amusing.

"Alright then, you really need to learn to take a compliment, I meant it you---" he went to say and it dawned on him, she thought he was complimenting her on bed, on the all night sex they had that night, 'hell' he told himself, if he was describing that night good was the furthest thing of a understatement. He looked to her and smiled, he even chuckled. 'Doesn't remember it my ass' he said shaking his head.

"What are you laughing at?" she told him tired of this game, his game, their game. He came over real close to her, closer than she would have liked, she even backed up a bit causing her to back into her truck door, she was almost pinned there, he stood in front of her, he got even closer in her space, he licked his lips to tease her a bit, he saw her eye's started to change partially to the desire blue he saw in them that night, she was vulnerable, he knew it, Hell she knew it and that was probably the cause for her attitude the whole time.

Natalie felt the truck door behind her she had no where to turn to hide, to run, she could punch him, push him further from her, he was invading her space, making her feel...feel...vulnerable to him. She saw him lick his lips and she couldn't take her eyes off of them. She shook her head, she needed to control this, if anyone was going to be in charge of this next lapse in judgment that she new was coming it would be her, she would not be vulnerable, she would be in charge.

Natalie moved in almost violently with her mouth, she grabbed the back of his head with her hands strongly and brought it in deeper, deepening with every movement, her tongue forced its way into the mix and attacked his. His hands came up to her head and knotted in her scarlet locks. She moved him backwards, slowly as she was unpinned, free, she gave one last deep kiss as she brought her body real close to his, he was breathing heavy, she let him rub his erection up against her body and then she pulled out of the kiss, smiled wickedly as she moved towards her truck door, she got in and left him there, panting, trying to catch his breath, continuing to still feel her lips on his, his eye's closed briefly as the lost of contact hit him. He blinked and realized she was in the truck, he looked at her sitting in the drivers seat, the seat she had just made him aware she planned on staying in.

John got in the truck with her, her truck, he looked over at her serious look, never spoke a word of what had just happened and they drove back to the precinct in complete silence.

John stared out the window, wondering, thinking, asking himself question after question, not about the case, about her, what was her story, was she really a control freak in the sense of the term, and if that was the case, what had made her that way if anything. He looked over at her again, 'damn it, I can't get into this with her, with someone I work with, with someone that works for me, sort of anyways, not again' he told himself as he turned back towards the front windshield of the truck and watched the upcoming road.

Natalie drove, drove her truck back to the station, driving, she shook her head, that was what this was all about, the control, the drive and not vulnerability, to not lose control. She was right where she wanted, in control, he was right where she wanted him, powerless so to speak, powerless over her emotions.

They arrived at the station still no words spoken as they went there own ways, him to his office, and she to the lab.

John watched her walk away after they got to the station, she walked in the opposite direction, without, without a word and he watched as she so confidently swayed her hips back and forth as she walked towards the lab.

Two hours later Natalie found herself at Rodi's, it was a tiring day and she needed a beer, just one. She got her beer from the bartender and headed over towards the pool table, the place was empty tonight only a few stragglers, no one she knew and she was happy about that, that meant she could relax how she wanted to, how she enjoyed to, alone, a beer and a few uninterrupted games of pool.

She smiled as she set the balls, this was her salvation, her release, her favorite thing to do, no talking involved, no nothing but her and the pool table, her and the balls, her pool stick and her chalk, she smiled again, all was right in her life when she was playing pool, all was right in the world, if only for the time when she was playing, zoning out the world.

John walked into the bar Michael had told him to meet him at, it was nice he told himself, clean, he was about to sit down when he saw her, at the pool table, she was bending over and his body moved quicker than his head could process things, process the fact that she was off limits, she had issues and they worked together. He was on his way, almost by her as she was bending down over the stick with her backside to him, his head got fuzzy and he knew what he wanted to do to her at that moment, he was coming closer as Michael stepped in front of him.

"No, John" he told him and his brother looked at him confused, the way Michael spoke, as if, as if he was some sort of dog being told the bone was off limits.

'Michael?" he questioned and Michael again shook his head.

"To interrupt Natty as she is playing pool, that is the biggest no-no anyone could make...anyone' he told him and John shook his head.

"Again with the no-no words Michael, does mom know the fancy words that your learned with all her hard earned money?" he asked joking but not really, inside he was a bit pissed that his brother kept warning him against her, against being around her, being near her, he told himself as a flash of heat past thru his body as he saw her again, set up her shot by bending over the long, long, pool stick.

John opted not to start in with Michael, he was here to have dinner with him, to catch up on the past few years that they hadn't been in touch, to relax have a good time, not make things more complicated by thinking of her, by wanting to relive things with her, things she did with her hands, her mouth, her tongue, 'shit' he said as he felt the heat pass thru him again, he felt himself harden with the thoughts of her and he thanked God he was already sitting at a table and no one, including Michael could see how excited she made him.

John and Michael just finished up dinner as Michael's cell phone went off, it was the hospital and he had to go, he turned one last time to John as he said good bye and warned him.

"Johnny, she is a no-no," he told him and John shook his head, "again with the fuckin no-no shit' he told himself as he gave Michael a nod.

Natalie was still playing pool, it had been a few hours and she was enjoying herself, no interruptions, just the game and she was getting a new perspective on things, on life so to speak, she was rebuilding her control, the control she was reminded she lost that night with him, it was almost back, all of it, she could just feel it, then she heard someone clear there throat, she looked up and it was him.

John removed a stick from the wall and just invited himself to start playing pool wit her, he didn't speak, she didn't speak, she just stared as he took his first shot. She stood for a few minutes after he invited himself into her game, into her space and she was unsure if she should just leave, or if she should just beat his ass. Beat his ass in pool, show him yet again, again that she was the one with the power, the control, she was not vulnerable, not to him, not to anyone, not to life.

They played pool, she didn't scream at him, get mad, or even stop playing, he watched her, she was good but then again... so was he. She won the first two games, a smile never appeared on her face as she did, they just went into the next game and the next, for which he won, for which she wasn't happy about. She was steaming, her face turning red.

They were all tied up at this point two games to two when the bar tender told them he had to close up, she made arrangements with him to close for him when they were done, she needed to beat him this last game, beat his ass and bad, she needed to feel the rush, the control. Still without words to each other this whole time, none spoken she leaned in and was setting up her shot, she was about to release the stick to hit the ball into the pocket, the 8 ball into the side pocket and win when her cell phone went off in her jeans pocket, it startled her just as she released the stick and caused her to scratch.

She was fuming inside,' who the hell is calling me at this hour' she asked herself as she took her phone out, it was her mom, she listened closely to the voicemail left and she got white in the face.

John watched her scratch on the 8 ball and he knew it wasn't going to be good, he hadn't known her that long but from what he saw he knew her short temper, then... then he watched her pick up her voice mail, she became white, white as a ghost, he couldn't bring himself away from her, he walked closer to her, put out a hand, touched her face, she let him, he was shocked, she didn't push him away for a minute there, she was looking paler by the minute. He spoke and spoke softly as she still hadn't made any attempts to remove his hand from her cheek.

"What is it?" he asked her and she fumbled with the words.

"My sister, she's in the Hospital, she's been in a car accident, her and my niece" she said barely being able to finish her sentence, as she spoke softly almost child like, he was seeing a vulnerable side to her and he knew it. Still seeming a bit in shock he moved his hand to her hand, he took it, and guided her to the front door, he turned briefly still holding her hand, still guiding her, he locked up the bar and walked her towards the parking lot.

"I'll drive you," he told her and he let her in his car.


	5. Chapter 5

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**Chapter 5**

John drove her to the hospital, she almost looked like she was trembling, no words, she seemed more than upset by the call, her eye's were glassy and he could tell she was trying so hard to keep it together, things together.

They arrived at the hospital and he parked the car right in front, put his badge up for the security guard who came out about to yell and he opened her car door and guided her inside the door, he looked around for her family, but... but he didn't know her family, just the Commissioner, he sat her in a seat by the desk as he asked the nurse to page Michael for him. Michael would know what was going on, he would guide him towards her family.

John turned back around to see a man, a blond haired man go to her, her family he thought, as he approached the two of them, he listened to the mans words and he saw Natalie straighten up, she was back in control, out of her funk, she got a determined look on her face, the mans words they seem to work, she stood up tall and walked right passed him with the blond gentleman towards the elevator.

Natalie heard her brother Rex's word and she came out of her state of shock, her state of vulnerability, she stood as she pulled herself together and started to walk away with him, towards the elevator, she saw John briefly, she looked into his face with her now again... strong blue eye's, she nodded her head to him as if thanking him, which confused her even more. She showed him, showed him a bit of who she really was inside, a part she never let anyone see and yet... yet she wasn't pissed by it, mad by it, just confused by it. She couldn't take the time now to think about it, she needed to concentrate on Jess, and her niece, for now.

John continued to look down the hall as she and the man walked when Michael approached his brother.

"Hey, you paged me? What's going on?" he asked John as he walked closer to him.

"Nothing... I brought Natalie here, apparently her sister and her niece were in some kind of accident tonight?"

"Yeah, Jess and Julia were brought in but there fine" Michael told him and then realized what John said at first when he started speaking.

"So... You brought Natalie here? What's that all about? Didn't you listen to what I told you?" he asked and John gave him a sour look.

"No comment" he said and Michael laughed a bit

"You know John...someday... someday you'll be telling me I'm right, right cause someday she might break your heart and break it in two"

"Don't worry so much Mikey, I ain't that fragile" he told him and left the Hospital, left now that he knew her sister was alright and that she would be too.

Later that early morning, Natalie returned home, it was very late and all she wanted to do was get undressed and go to bed, she had stayed most of the night with Jess and Julia, just to make sure they were alright, she was there for a very long time and after speaking with their doctor's she decided it was save to go home.

Natalie got under the covers in bed, it was early morning and although she was exhausted she wasn't sure if it was even worth it to try and sleep, she had work in five hours, she stared up at the ceiling as she thought about today, well actually yesterday, how so much Had happened in such a short period of time. She came face to face with her lap in judgment, her one night stand, and not only face to face with him, but she needed to work with him day in and day out, she shook her head as she closed her eye's trying for that much needed sleep. How could she be so damn stupid! She asked herself as she rolled on her side resting her head.

She closed her eyes tighter as if the tightness of them would block things out, block out the things that were bothering her, Jess, Julia, and even Him.

She freaked tonight when she thought she might lose them, her sister and her niece, and although she hadn't grown up with Jess she was very close to her, about as close as Natalie could get to someone, she loved her very much, although she knew she could never let on to that, let on to how much she loved her, Julia or anyone in her family, to let on to that, to admit it, was...was... as if admitting she was vulnerable, vulnerable to be hurt again, to lose again, and after everything that happened to her when she was younger, after all that, she couldn't afford to be vulnerable again, to show that she cared, to even acknowledge it.

Her thoughts brought about the thoughts of him, of the asshole, he was such a jerk bringing up the fact that they had slept together, a lap in judgment, in her control, he was such an ass but then...then they played pool, she smiled to herself with remembering their silent pool game. He was really good at pool almost as good her, she smirked to herself, he was even nice when she freaked a bit, when she showed that she wasn't so strong, when she thought she might lose someone again, he helped her, he seemed sincere.

"Shut up Natty" she told herself hostile almost, "don't go down that road" she also told herself, Natalie knew she couldn't be thinking he was nice, he was an ass, if she thought he was nice she might become vulnerable again, have another lapse again, then where would she be, would she make yet another mistake and sleep with him, or even worse, make a huge mistake and fall for him, she shook her head. "Do all you have to Natty, don't let it happen"

Five hours later sometime around eight Natalie walked into the station ready for her day.

John was sitting at his desk when he saw her walk into the station, he was surprised, surprised she didn't just come in late, he saw her head towards the lab and he came out of his office before she got there.

"Hey, how's your sister?" he asked her softly as she seemed determined to just walk passed him, she was starting to when he put his hand out in front of her to stop her.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" he asked her, annoyed that she was ignoring him.

"I'm fine LT, my sister is fine, thank you for asking, now excuse me I have work to do" she told him and walked away, John stood for a few minutes, he stood frozen as he still felt the coldness even after she walked away, 'what the hell!' he said to himself, 'is she fucking nuts or something, didn't we just have a bit of a break thru of some sorts. He shook his head and decided to ignore it, ignore it for now, although it bothered him, was really starting to bother him that she seem to be back to her cold ways towards him, even after the small bit of progress they seem to make last night, but he ignored it, they were at work, this wasn't the time nor the place.

John walked back into his office, he looked out the window and he noticed the rain starting to fall, it was falling fast, the clouds were coming in and the sky was dark, there was a major thunderstorm coming and he knew it, and it wasn't just the storm outside that he knew was upon him, it was the one in the precinct, the one involving the Natalie and himself.

The day was going by slow, extremely slow, the rain, the storm outside seem to still be brewing, continuing to move, to pour down, John looked at his watch, it was only 2 :00, he sighed, it was a long day, a few minutes later Bo popped his head in his office.

"John this storm is causing Chaos all over Llanview I need you to go to Llantano Mountain there's a possible homicide at one of the cabins just over the bridge, take Natalie with you" Bo told John and John sighed, alone again in a car with her, 'great' this should be so much fun.

John met her at his car, she walked over to him and she didn't look happy, what else was new he told himself.

"We aren't taking your car?" she spat out and he looked at her, this was already starting off great, he told himself as he watched her start to walk towards her truck.

'Hey!" he yelled out at her, she turned briefly and looked at him.

"Yes, Lt?" she asked

"If I say we are taking my car, we are taking my car, I'm the superior officer here" he said and she bite her tongue and hard not to yell back at him.

"Sorry sir, if you would like to take you car, I will follow you with my truck." she told him and he looked at her, he wasn't going to give in on this, if nothing else, he was her superior, he called the shots.

"Fine, follow behind, and later after we are done taking care of things, we'll have a nice talk about you attitude towards me at work." he told her trying to put her in her place, she nodded, 'what a fucking ass he was, so full of himself, did he even stop to realize that a car won't be able to make it up the mountain in this shitty weather, asshole' she told herself and shook her head.

They drove towards the mountain, most of the streets were flooded and he was having a bit of a hard time moving thru the standing rainwater with his car.

Natalie drove in her truck behind him, his car was having a hard time wading and driving thru the water, finally he came to a huge body of water at the bridge leading towards the mountain, she saw him stop his car off on the side before he got to close to the flooded road, he got out, she drove closer to him and his car, not to close, she would make him walk in the rain a bit, just a bit so he would get just a little wet, soaked even. She smiled as she watched him run for her truck,

"Try not to get my truck all wet Lt." she told him as they exchanged glares.

"Just drive the Fucking Truck," he told her steaming


	6. Chapter 6

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**Chapter 6**

Natalie and John drove over the flooding bridge in silence, both steaming inside, both under the others skin, both wanting to be anywhere else then together at this point, with anyone else at this point.

They arrived at the second bridge leading right towards the cabin they needed to investigate and Natalie stopped her truck.

"Shit! This bridge is washed out," she said as she looked at him for the first time since he got in her truck.

"Is there any other way to get to over there?" he asked and she shook her head no.

"There's no way, we're not going to be able to investigate anything tonight, at least not till they get the bridge fixed and the rain stops" he told her as a cry of Thunder sounded in the air, it was a loud, crisp, exact sound and it was close.

John looked over to see her trembling, she was shaking, the thunder, the loud noise, it caused her to be...to be... afraid? He questioned himself as they heard the thunder again a few minutes later, again he watched as she froze and trembled, she was, he told himself, she was afraid of thunder. He gently reached his hand out to her, to place it on her hand that was still on the steering wheel and she looked at him, she removed her hand quickly after his made contact and she started to drive the truck.

Natalie drove back towards the first bridge, the one that brought them to the mountain, she came upon it and stopped short just in time.

"Shit!' she screamed as she almost drove them off the bridge that was now collapsed in the water that use to be below it.

Natalie stood silent and frozen again as thunder again sounded, she regained herself and her bearings in between the sounds and she drove in the opposite direction of the bridge.

"We wont be able to get back to town tonight, not till the bridge is fixed" she told him as he looked at her, as the thunder again filled the air.

"Where are you going?' he asked her as she seem to know exactly where to head.

"My grandfather has a hunting lodge not far from here, we can spend the night there" she told him and a smile unknowingly spread across his face, she turned briefly to him and got a sour look on her face.

John realized he was smiling, smiling at the fact that they would be again spending a whole night together, although... although he knew she was not liking him this time as much as she did that night, and...and she wasn't drunk either. He laughed to himself; this should be a whole lot of fun.

Natalie heard the thunder a few more times and she tried so hard not to let it affect her, not to bring her to that place she had been trying so hard to forget about for years now, ten years to be exact, ten years the night... the night... the night she lost control, the night she spent with him, with a stranger. She concentrated on the road and was a bit annoyed when she saw his smiling face, he got a fucking smile on his face when she said they would have to stay at Asa's Lodge for the night, it was either that or spend the night in the truck parked somewhere, and that, that was not an option.

Natalie Parked the truck next to the lodge and they made a run for the front door, getting soaked in the process and now freezing she searched the front porch of t he lodge for the extra key, found it unlocked the door and they went in.

John walked into the lodge with her and looked around, it was quaint, decent, nice even, there was a few pictures on the rustic mantle above the fireplace, not many, and there weren't any of her, just the Buchanan men he imagined and their kill, he watched her as she was soaked, her shirt clung to her body, to every curve of her breasts and he had to stop his thinking, his almost imagining, his remembering of what her breasts tasted like, he shook it, clear out of his head before he embarrassed himself by getting hard, before he embarrassed himself by doing something he knew she wouldn't want him to do.

The first thing Natalie did when she walked into the lodge was go straight to the fireplace, there was still some wood there from the last time someone was up, enough wood for now, she thought as she walked back outside onto the porch to get more, to bring more inside so it could dry up, just incase they needed more, just incase they were here longer than expected, longer than Natalie would like, longer than... ... she shook her head clear, 'cut the crap natty, don't even let your mind go there' go to the place, the place it was heading as she watched him evaluate the lodge, the place she knew, well at least had a feeling his mind was already at.

"Let me help you" he said as he saw her carrying in piles of damp wood from the porch.

"No I've got it," she said as she looked at him. He ignored her and helped anyways. They brought all the wood into the lodge and she started to build the fire, he stood back and watched, she knew what she was doing, and at first he was surprised by it but why... why would he be... from what he had learned by just watching her she seemed pretty self sufficient.

He watched as she got the fire started and then walked away a few feet, she went to a dresser of some sort near the bed in the other room; she grabbed some clothes from the draw.

"Here go change in the bathroom" she told him, throwing a pair of flannel boxers and a tee shirt to him, just as he was about to say something to her, he heard the thunder, they heard the thunder and she froze, her arms shook a bit.

" Are you alright?" he asked as he moved closer to her, she backed up a bit as he did and he stopped. He looked at her face, she didn't want him near, she was afraid, even vulnerable at that moment and he knew, he knew pushing the subject or asking about the fear would make things worse, he turned around and started to give her more space.

"The bathrooms the door on the left, the other door is a closet" she told him as he went in to change.

Natalie sighed a sigh of relief as he left the room, she went over to the bed and sat down at the end as she continued to hear the thunder, it wasn't going away, and she knew he could see her, see she was vulnerable, afraid by it, but how? How she asked herself was she going to be strong, strong enough to ignore the things that have frighten her so much, the things that make her weak, the things that made her vulnerable in the first place. She glanced over towards the bathroom door when she heard him coming out, they locked eye's for a moment and she looked away quickly as soon as she realized it, she looked down at him first, him in boxers, a tee shirt a bit small on him, she wasn't sure if she wanted to smile, or cry at that moment, this would be hard, very hard, she just had to do it, keep up her strength, keep her distance, she couldn't show him again, not again like when she got the news of Jess. 'NO!' she told herself,' I haven't let anyone in, not at all, all these years, I won't, I can't let him in, not him, not ...not...' her train of thought was lost as he came closer to her, as he started to sit next to her for a minute. He sat and she didn't move for a moment, not quickly, not at all.

"I think maybe we should have a talk about the tension between us at work, on the job, maybe about other things, once...once you've changed, you're still soaked" he told her and she was almost afraid to move, to speak, this was all unraveling her, and unraveling her fast, him being so close, the thunder, she wanted nothing more than to just forget, forget it all, ignore it, maybe just have sex with him again and it would help her to forget, to not be afraid or would it just make her more afraid. She nodded her head as she couldn't form any words with her mouth at the moment and she got off the bed, found clothes for herself and headed for the bathroom.

John sat on the bed, he watched her walk into the bathroom to change and he caught himself as he was thinking about her, thinking not so much lustful things as he noticed there was only one big bed in the whole cabin. He grinned briefly but then stopped. He thought about what a mess she was; she was a huge mess, wasn't she? He asked himself, he knew the answer she was, and he cared didn't he? He again asked himself, but why? Why did he care? No real answer came to him, he tried to think for a few minutes about it as she walked out of the bathroom also in a tee shirt and a pair of boxers, he took one look at her, he couldn't get her and that night they spent out of his head, he continued to look at her, why did she have to be so damn beautiful? Why did she have to work with him? Why was she such a mess? Again, why did he even care? Why the Hell couldn't he get her and that night out of his head?

Natalie took a seat in one of the solid wooden chairs by the small kitchen table, she brought her knees up to her chest as she sat and she looked like a small child, a child innocent enough but not. He too took a seat at the table, across from her, he locked eyes with her and she looked away after a few seconds.

'What the hell are you doing Natty, control it, start the conversation, if he does, he will control it, pull it together' she told herself about to speak when he jumped in first.

"Are you ready to talk?" he asked her

"No not in the mood, I'm going to bed," she said and he shook his head no, she wasn't avoiding this.

"No, its early still, there is plenty of time for you to sleep." he told her a bit more demanding than he intended to. She got up out of the chair and went to the bed, moved the covers and started to pull them down, to get in when he stopped her, he placed her hand over hers and stopped her.

"I'm sorry that sounded like an order, please, I think we need to get some things straight and out in the open so we can work together without all the tension and hostility." he told her and she didn't really want to and she was getting a bit mad now, she wanted to sleep to just ignore this night, avoid it, she was about to open up her mouth with a rude, rude uncalled for remark when the thunder sounded and made her jump, she almost ended up in his arms and she looked at him.

Without any further thought, realization, she grabbed the back of his neck, pulled him towards her and started to aggressively take his mouth. She needed this, at this moment, she needed to take control, control of the situation, to forget how vulnerable the thunder made her, how vulnerable all of this made her when she took it, his mouth with hers, she brought her hand to front of the boxers and started to rub his penis.

John felt her warm lips on his, he felt one of her amazing hands tangle in his hair, the other start to rub him down, he got lost in it, he wanted it, and wanted it so bad but... but...he pulled away from her, which he knew would piss her off more but he didn't want it like this again, he was unsure when it had changed, when he had changed, but he didn't just want the sex from her, there was more to her and he wanted to find out about it, find out about her.

"What the hell!' she yelled at first but then came back towards him with her lips, she was about to about to touch her lips on his again when the thunder sounded and she closed her eye's quickly, arms shaking and fell into his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

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Chapter 7

After a few minutes Natalie actually realized what she was doing, realized that he was holding her, as soon as she realized it she quickly moved herself out of his reach, she looked at him briefly with almost teary eye's and she walked to the other end of the lodge, she turned her back to him, cursed herself, 'damn me!' she told herself as she had hoped he would just ignore it, ignore what just happened, first the throwing herself on him and then the vulnerable way she fell into his arms when she heard the thunder.

John walked closer to her as she moved away from him; he knew he should just let it go, ignore it maybe but... but he couldn't, he didn't exactly know why but he couldn't and he didn't want to.

"Why are you so afraid of the thunder?" he asked her as her back was facing him, she didn't answer him for a few minutes, she was trying so hard, so hard to regain herself but the thunder, the damn thunder kept going off, it kept coming, louder, stronger.

She continued to ignore him and he stepped in front of her, he caught her eye's and she became still as their eye's lock, he noticed she didn't look away, not at first, not for a few minutes. Then she looked down at the ground, walked passed him and sat again in the wooden chair by the table.

"Ever get tired? Tired of holding up that wall around you?" he asked her and she looked at him, she wasn't sure to be mad or curious to how and why he even cared about any walls she built around herself. And how he had even realized she had a wall around her.

"Do you ever let anyone in, let anyone see, see you for who you really are?" he asked yet more questions as she didn't answer his first ones. He watched her face; she was still looking at him. 'That was a step' he thought, she hadn't turned away yet.

"How do you even know anything about my walls, why do you even care, care who I let in anyways?" she asked him after a few more minutes, she had tired so hard to just ignore him, to ignore it like she had done in the past with others, other men in particular but she just couldn't, maybe deep down inside she didn't want to, to ignore it, maybe not with him. Maybe not anymore.

When he had asked her about getting tired, tired of holding it up, he was right, she was tired of it, tired of all of it, but she knew what the alternative was, let them in, him in even and then...then something go wrong, wrong like it always did and she was left, left all alone again. 'NO! No one gets in, and no one gets to close' she told herself inside as she heard him speak.

"I can almost see your walls they are so high and...and as for why? I just don't know, I'm not sure why...why I care but for some reason, I just do." he told her and she let it down a little, just a little bit, her wall, she looked at him with teary eye's, she even moved her hand to the side of his face, what was she doing? She asked herself.

"I...I... I can't do this," she said as she ran for the bathroom door.

John watched her run, he had gotten further than he had thought he'd get, she had actually stood there, looked into his eye's and even touched his face tenderly for a minute, for a second.

He sighed, she was a mess, a big mess and he really shouldn't get involved, but the thing was... the thing was he was already involved, maybe by the second time they had sex that one night, maybe by the second chorus of moans that night, he was already involved and he didn't know how or why but he wanted to be.

John watched the door as he saw it open, she slowly opened it and came out into the room, sat down across from him and she spoke.

"We have a lot to discuss and I know I've been avoiding talking with you, I'm going to try, which is more than I've ever done with anyone, but I will try and explain why I have such a attitude at work with you, we will then put this talk, what we did those two months ago to rest, and then we will both be able to work together in peace, because, that is all I want, to be able to do my job and live my life without complications, without added drama"

"You mean without any one don't you?" he asked a bit cold almost

"No, I don't mean without anyone, I just mean, I want the same as you, all this tension between us at work, I want it to stop, and the only way I see that happening is to talk about that night, and why I've been acting the way I do towards you, so? But as for discussing my walls, there is nothing to discuss, they are my business." she told him and then asked as he shook his head for her to go ahead with the discussion, he knew that this might be the only time she opened up to him about anything, this might be the only time he got a chance to see the real her again, h shook his head, he actually thought it was progress in the right direction, she wants to talk to him, to tell him something, anything, even if it wasn't about her issues, her walls it was a start , a beginning and he knew it. He heard her start to speak and he didn't dare say another word

" I'm mad at myself for doing what we did" she said and he got taken back a bit.

"I never should have lost it like that, I never should have been drinking like that, it was a bad day and I ...I had a lapse in judgment, so I'm sorry, I guess seeing you at work just reminds me of my lapse and I take it out on you, it won't happen again, I want us to be able to work together in peace, I love my job, it is the only thing I have that is truly mine." she said without batting an eyelash, she continued to look at him as he hit her with his question.

"So you think it was a big mistake then? A lapse in better judgment?" he asked her serious like, it was actually upsetting him a bit, for her to say that night was a mistake, yeah, he told himself, a drunken one nightstand with a stranger isn't always the best thing but he did remember a point that night, a small point where they seem to no longer be strangers, at least there bodies weren't.

Natalie nodded her head to answer yes to his question, the question about it being a mistake.

"You know I would almost say it was a mistake too. I mean we were both drunk when it started off, we never exchanged names, just fluids, but by the third time round, you had more than enough opportunity to leave. You were, we both were, very much sober by then. Are you sure the sex part is the part that was a lapse, a mistake or was it the part where I actually held you as you slept for a little while that night?" He asked her and she looked shocked at his words.

She thought back to that night, she did let him hold her didn't she? She was vulnerable to him that night? Was that why she was so bent on not letting him in again? Why she was so afraid

"I...I...I'm tired" she told him and walked over to the bed, got in under the covers

"You're avoiding my questions," he told her and she didn't answer him for a few minutes as she pulled the covers up on her closer.

"I told you I was sorry about work, I explained to you why, now lets leave it alone, I'm going to sleep" she told him and closed her eye's ignoring him, he shook his head, her wall just went back up, all the way up, what little progress he thought they were making, the little bit that came down was now up and even taller this time. John heard the thunder come back again as he saw her closed eyes, she flinched a bit as she heard it.

'What was up with that' he asked himself, he walked to the other side of the bed and started to get in., he pulled the covers down.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked him as she pushed the covers he just pulled down back up.

"There's only one bed in this lodge," he told her as he yanked the covers down again and got into the bed on his side.

"No way, you can sleep in the chair," she told him and he turned on his side ignoring her and closed his eyes.

"You're crazy if you think I'm letting you sleep next to me" she told him, she started ranting a bit more but never attempted to get out of the bed, he never did either. Finally after her constant nagging for him to get out he turned to her.

"Afraid?" he asked and she got confused and angry all in one.

"Afraid to sleep next to me? Afraid to be so close? Afraid you won't be able to keep your hands off of me?" he asked her teasing a bit when he heard her mumble something about his dreams and she fell asleep.

Sometime a few hours later he felt her thrashing about, crying out in her sleep.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have made you worry, I shouldn't have left... I'm so sorry" she cried out in her sleep, he automatically got closer to her, he grabbed her, pulled her close and held her as she worked the bad dream out. After a few minutes she stopped, the dream stopped and she was still very much asleep, he continued to hold her, she got herself comfortable in his arms, in her sleep and he sighed.

He now knew why he cared, why he just did, for some odd reason, a reason he really didn't understand, he was falling for her and falling fast.


	8. Chapter 8

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**Chapter 8**

Some time around Five am John's phone went off, he was still holding Natalie as she slept, she was exhausted, she slept in his arms as if she hadn't slept in days, months, years maybe even. He gently removed his arm that was around her, picked up his cell phone and saw it was the precinct.

"Hello, Bo, yes we're okay, we tried to call you last night but there was no signal probably caused by the storm. We never made it to the cabin to investigate, the bridge was washed out, Oh, I see Okay send Davis and Turner then, Natalie brought us to your family's lodge for the night, What! Another day, it takes that long to repair a bridge, oh, they have to rebuild it, Okay, I'll tell her to call you, she's sleeping right now, fine, yes, I'll try and get some rest, after today all hell will be breaking loose.' he said and he hung up his phone, he looked over to her, she was still asleep, she was so peaceful when she slept, a few pieces of red hair were in front of her face and he gently pushed them away with his fingers, gently not to wake her.

John got out of the bed, took a seat at the table and watched her for a few more minutes, he thought about her screaming out in her sleep last night, if she did that a lot, if ever, and he also thought about the thunder, her being afraid of the thunder, why? All those questions he asked her last night, the ones he wished she would just have answer, they were all haunting him again. He saw her start to stir and he decided to go and see what there was to eat in this place, Bo had just informed him they most likely would be here alone, together, one more day, probably the night too, the bridge was beyond repair, it needed to be rebuilt.

Natalie woke to see him walk into the kitchen, she wondered when he had woken and she sighed hoping they would be able to get to the other cabin today, do there job, get back to Llanview, she couldn't spend anymore time with him, anymore alone time with him, another night alone with him like last night, that would make it hard for her, more than hard for her, almost impossible to not bring her wall down some, to not show her vulnerable side, she knew she was getting tired of it, of holding it up for so long but she just needed some time , time away from everyone, mostly away from him to build it up again, and up completely.

Natalie got out of bed, went into the bathroom, washed face, put on a flannel shirt she found in the dresser, brushed her hair and left the bathroom.

John walked into the great room balancing two bowls, cereal, milk, glasses, and juice; he placed them down on the table and pulled up a chair. He noticed her the moment she walked out of the bathroom, her face was washed, she was wearing a flannel shirt, which he smiled at cause she seem to look good in anything and everything, and nothing at all...he stopped his thoughts with that one and started to eat his breakfast.

Natalie sat at the table, on a wooden chair across from him, he was eating cereal, their was a bowl for her and she took it without words and poured her cereal and then her milk, he wasn't talking she thought, he wasn't saying a word, why? Why didn't he say a word, why didn't he say anything about last night? She asked herself as she grabbed for a glass to pour her juice into.

John sat and didn't look, not at her, he found an old newspaper in the kitchen and he started to read it, actually he started to fake reading it, he was more occupied, concentrated more on what she could be thinking and if she remembered him holding her last night and if she would be pissed about it this morning, did she even remember it? He asked himself as he waited, waited for her to speak, he would let her open things up, open up the words, the conversation.

Finally after about fifteen minutes of pure silence she did, she started to talk.

"Can you get a signal on your cell, did you try the station?" she asked him and he nodded as he took a spoonful of cereal, she waited for him to say something.

"Yes, there's a signal" he finally told her

"So...did you speak to my uncle Bo? Are the roads clear yet, the bridges fixed yet? Can we get out of this place yet?" she asked him as he decided to just ignore her questions for a few more minutes and finish his cereal.

"Why won't you answer my questions?" she said getting mad at the moment, he was just ignoring her, she wasn't being pissy, and he still just ignored her.

"I'll speak to you, answer your questions when I'm done eating and reading the paper" he told her and she was getting mad again, he thought, does she do anything else, does she even laugh, have any fun.

"You aren't even really reading it," she told him and he gave her a smirk as he folded it down and looked at her, then he went back to reading it, ignoring her.

"You aren't you know, if you are then tell me what you're reading about" she told him as if challenging him, he looked up from the paper again.

'I'm reading about a Llanview Forensics Tech who wouldn't keep her big mouth shut and her superior officer had to shut it for her" he said and she didn't expect him to say that, she let out a small, and quick laugh.

"Oh. My. Gosh. Did you just laugh?" he asked a bit amused, she shook her head no.

"Yeah, you did, don't think I've seen you laugh at all these last few days, I do remember you laughing thou...that..." he was about to say and the tension was back, it was lost for a few minutes when she seem to lighten up for a minute but it was back and it was his stupid fault. He went back to the paper as he saw her start to clean things up. She walked around him and she was actually trying to have a conversation with him, he was a bit shocked, what had changed last night, they both went to bed mad at each other, she ignored all questions, what had happened that would make her like this today, tolerable, light, laugh even. He shook his head, was it because he held her when she screamed out? Did she even remember it? He decided not to bring it up, whatever the reason for the mood change, the slight attitude change he would see where it took them.

"I can't believe how long that milk had lasted without spoiling, it was a few weeks ago when I was here last, that was when I bought it," she said as she straightened up the bed not far from the table.

"Why were you here a few weeks ago?" he asked and he regretted it

"Its okay, never mind I shouldn't have asked" he said and he saw her, she was confused, for the first time she seem to be confused on whether to talk, tell him something, open up even.

Natalie didn't know why but she felt like talking today, not about anything major but she felt like just being, being light, maybe even have a little fun, maybe with him? She asked herself confused, what had changed last night? Why did she feel like she could possibly, maybe for the first time since she was a kid be open, maybe a little open, maybe with him, why him? She felt as if maybe she might be trusting him, 'no' she told herself, ' I don't trust anyone, not really, at least not with anything emotional, at least not with the truth or things' she shook her head, it wouldn't hurt to at least tell him why she was here the other week, it wasn't anything major.

"I like this place, its quiet, I had a few days off and no one was using it so I came here to think, to relax, to hang out, it really is beautiful, there's this big lake in back, well its probably a lot bigger right now after all that rain last night, but its nice. A place you could find some peace" she said, they were both shocked at all that she had said and to him. This was so different then how she had been the last few days around him.

"I guess that is what you are looking for then, peace?"

"What makes you say that?" she asked him confused a bit

"Well, you mentioned peace last night also, you just want to do your job in peace" he asked her, she thought about it.

"I guess...Oh, I've gotta call about my sister, she was getting out of the hospital today" she said and she went over toward her stuff on the mantle, took her cell phone and called.

"Hello, mom, yeah, I'm fine, at the lodge, the roads were bad last night, flooded, the bridge was a mess, no I'm not sure when I'll be back, the bridge was bad, rebuilt? Really? I guess I'll be here all day then huh? No...no... You don't need to send someone, I'm fine, I don't mind being here, yes... you know me, I like it here, how's Jess? Julia? Thank God, so she'll definitely be coming home then, Good, tell her I'll see her when I get home, okay me too" she told her mom and hung up the phone.

He heard her conversation on the phone with her mom, her sister seems to be fine, she seemed sweet with her mom, it was nice to see, she seem to be in some sort of a good mood, almost as if she was a bit content, john shook his head, they would be stuck in this lodge, this cabin all day alone, she was in a good mood, he would have to try, try gradually today to break down more of her wall, and with the mood she was in so far this morning, he might even get lucky, he might accomplish it, her wall, breaking down parts of her wall if not all of it, he grinned to himself as he saw her bend over and pick something up, he ginned, he might even accomplish that again too.

"So, what is there to do in this cabin since, we might be here for awhile maybe another night?" he asked, she almost flinched a bit at his words, almost and she stopped herself.

"I don't know, maybe cards, there's a deck in the cabinet" she told him and he smiled.

"You do know how to play cards don't you?" she asked and he smiled wider

"Know how to play, hell I was raised playing cards in AC" he said and she looked,' why didn't she know that, Michael was always saying he was raised there, so it made sense that John was too', she spoke to herself inside. She was about to tell him, she was also raised in Ac, and playing cards but she didn't, she opted not to at this moment.

"Well then lets play" she told him and he was still a bit confused, it was if she was a different person today, he didn't question it for long, he just wanted to enjoy it.

"What do you want to play?" she asked as she got the cards out of cabinet and they both took a seat at the table.

"How about Poker" he said and she smiled devilishly, that was her game, she was almost as good at poker as she was as pool.

"Sounds good to me, are we playing for coin?" she asked and he nodded his head no.

'Its more fun when you play for something" she said and he smiled, was she hinting at clothes, strip poker, he laughed.

"Are you trying to get me naked?" he said joking and light, she laughed, she really laughed, she didn't blow up, blow it out of proportion, who was this person? She even made her own joke.

'Listen, if I wanted to get you naked I wouldn't have to beat you at cards to do it" she said and he smirked.

'Really what do you want to play, and for anything?" she asked again, she saw him try to deicide, he was thinking things over in his head, he got an idea but... but he wasn't so sure she would be up for it.

"What ever you want to play, its fine with me, I'm sure I can kick your ass at it, what ever it is" she added and he decided what the hell.

"Ever hear of Emotional Strip Poker?" he asked and her mouth fell open. Did he just say Emotional strip poker?

"You mean the game when you lose you have to tell something personal?"

"Actually the loser has to answer the winners question, so are you to chicken to play?" he said baiting her and she have him a smirk.

"I'll beat your ass, lets play" she told him as she started shuffling the deck.

Ten minutes later Natalie was still sitting, waiting for an answer to her question, her personal question. The rules were if you lost the hand, the winner got to ask you anything, any type of question.

"I guess I was twelve, maybe eleven, I can't remembered back that far, but all I know is I woke up and the sheets were a mess, I felt... I don't know Hard, is that enough of a answer for you?" he answered her personal question, a question, a subject even that excited him a bit, he was drinking a glass of water when she asked it and he spit it clear across the room, he couldn't believe she would ask something like that.

Natalie won the game and asked him a question she knew would embarrass him some, a personal question about a boy growing up, she smiled at his answer, he was a bit shy about it, it was cute, she shook her head quickly,' when the hell did I start thinking anything he did was cute non the less him cute!' she asked herself and scolded herself.

They played another hand and this time, he won.

"So...Now its my turn... hmmmm...lets see, since yours was such a personal question... I guess its only fitting that mine be just as personal, so... I know... when was your first time?" he asked and she went white as a sheet, her playfulness, her mood, it was gone, just like that, she stood and started to walk outside, with out any words.


	9. Chapter 9

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**Chapter 9**

John stood silent as she walked out the door of the lodge, he didn't know what to say, what he said, was his question that upsetting, to personal? He shook his head as he went to the window and watched her as she sat on the steps holding her face in her hands.

Natalie got up after a few minutes of letting herself be upset, be vulnerable, she dusted herself off, got determined, and walked back inside the cabin.

John watched as she got up from the steps, she seem to have pulled herself together, she started walking back inside when he moved away from the window and acted as if he hadn't watched her.

Natalie walked in when over to her car keys on the mantle, took them and the other stuff she had put there, she started to walk towards the door again when he stopped her, he stepped right in front of her and wouldn't let her leave.

"What are you doing?" he asked her, as he wouldn't let her leave

"What does it look like I'm doing? " she spat back, John briefly looked down at the ground, she was back, the strong Natalie, the one with the large wall around her.

"It looks like you think you are going somewhere, but you're not," he told her and he waited for it, the words, the nasty ' you are not my boss, who are you to tell me what to do' almost as soon as it was done in his head she said similar to his face.

"Who are you, to tell me what I can or can not do?" she told him as he looked at her, how was this even the same person as a few minutes ago.

"Natalie, the roads still aren't clear, the bridge still hasn't been rebuilt, there is no where for you run and to hide" he told her and she looked at him. He thought he almost saw a glint of something, something inside her eye's as he said to run and hide. It was a reaction, it was something.

Natalie felt something, it was weird, when she heard his words about hiding, she felt almost as if...as if she didn't want to do that anymore, hide behind her wall, almost as if she could find the strength to come out in the open by herself. She sighed; she turned around, put her stuff back on the mantle, and took a seat on the couch.

John saw her turn, she sat down, she didn't run out of the room, she didn't hide completely, progress, little steps he told himself as he went over to the couch and sat beside her.

"I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep the peace, really I am" she told him and he smiled, she really was, he thought. He stared at her for a few minutes and she grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and held it close to her. He approached her with a question, softly.

"Why'd you leave? We were having so much fun" he asked and then told her. She looked at him; she gave him a weak smile before answering his question.

"We were having fun, I was enjoying myself" she told him and then paused.

"I... I'm not sure why I ran out, I mean... I... I don't know how to do this, how do I tell you...anybody... how do I open up, when I've been so closed off for so long" she asked him as he saw her feeling disgusted with herself

"You just talk," he told her and she looked confused.

'You talk, just say anything, talk about anything you want to" he told her and he looked at her reassuring her it was alright as she opened up her mouth.

"Anything, like the weather? " she said and she laughed a bit to break the tension.

"I can't just do this on the fly, ask me a question, a few questions, anything, I promise to try and answer and I promise not to run again... that is if I can help it" she said and he smiled.

John thought about his question, questions, would he start off slow, and ease her into talking or should he just ask the big ones. He smirked as he thought of a question.

"So did you lie when you said you didn't remember, remember it, that night?" he asked smirking, he was either going to get smacked or... or... well he doubted he was gonna get the other thing, not right now anyways.

"All I can say is... they charged my credit card for that chair" she said and she smiled at him, he laughed and he figured why not, why not ask another one, she was doing okay.

"Why does Thunder bother you?" he asked and he waited on pins and needles for her to answer or explode, she did neither for a few minutes.

"Do you know anything about me John? Do you know my story? Of how I got here?" she asked him

"No" he told her.

"I wasn't always a Buchanan, well... actually I was but just didn't know it, My family didn't know about me and I didn't know about them, I just found them four years ago, I grew up in Ac like you but not the way you did, I grew up the hard way, a drunk gambling mother, well who I thought at the time was my mother, thrown into the foster care system cause of her neglect, my childhood was far from perfect, I don't even remember having much of a life, not much to be happy about, just a few years..." she said all that and had to take a break, that was so much, she already told him so much about herself but she didn't even really open up yet, tell him the things, about the fear, the pain, that the thunder brought on each time she heard it. She stood went over by the front window and looked out at the porch. After a few minutes of silence he walked up behind her, placed his hand very gently on her shoulder and asked again.

" Tell me about the thunder"

" Thunder has bothered me for the past ten years, its noise is a constant reminder of my vulnerability, my foster dad, Paul, he use to say things like don't be vulnerable Natty, never vulnerable, its a bad thing to be, be strong, in charge, don't be an easy mark, easy prey." she said and took a breath.

'He was great, really great to me, a bit old fashioned, stubborn as hell, but he and Beth took good care of me, that was the only time I remember being happy when I was younger" she said and he turned her gently with his hands, he looked into her eye's, he saw the sadness them as she became teary. John reached his hand up to her face and wiped away a few tears that had escaped, she quickly started to wipe away her own tears as she pushed his hand away.

John got the hint from her pushing his hand that, this was too much to fast, he just continued to look into her eye's as she still allowed him to do that.

"Are you alright? You want to stop for now?" he asked and she shook her head no.

"No, while I'm started, I want to get as much out as possible, it's been to long to hold all these things inside" she said as she moved towards the couch.

"You still keep in touch with them?" he asked and she stopped in her tracks walking towards the couch, she stood frozen for a minute, she wanted so much to just run at this moment, pull her wall back up and run out the door far, far away from him, from the truth, the pain. She was so close to doing it, just running when he gently and carefully took her hand with his, she looked down to see his fingers intertwined with hers and she didn't quite understand how or why but she didn't move, she didn't run, she almost didn't want to.

"Natalie, what happened to them?" he asked, as he knew form her reaction that something in deed happened to them.

"Their dead, they died the night I became afraid of thunder," she told him and he was now putting things together, the pieces, why she might have that wall around her, and why it could possibly be so tall...


	10. Chapter 10 Smut

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**Chapter 10 (NC-17)**

John heard what she said about them dying the night she became afraid and he knew this, all of this had to do with that. He held her hand and wanted nothing more at this point to grab her and hold her but he knew, she more than likely wouldn't let him. He saw her started to fumble for the next words to stay.

"I Loved them, you know, I never use that word anymore, haven't since them, I mean... I have a great family now. I'm sure I feel the same for them, maybe not the same way yet but I...never tell them, can never tell them, and I won't ever tell them." she said getting choked up. He ignored his thought about it being to soon to hold her and he pulled her towards him. She allowed it this time, and he held her head to his chest as they continued talking.

"Are you alright to tell me how?" he asked her as he held her close. He felt her nod her head before she started to speak.

"It was my fault... they died because of me... because I Loved them, and because they loved me, I was so stupid, really stupid...I... I was maybe fifteen, had been living with them for almost three years, three pretty nice years...I..." she started to say and she couldn't. She pulled off of him, moved away, and went back to the window

"I can't talk anymore, I just can't do it," she told him as she walked by the front window again.

"I'm going out on the porch to be alone" she told him and she went out.

John watched her on the porch, she sat there staring out into space, she was all teary, and as much as he wanted to go to her he knew it would be a mistake.

Almost two hours later she still hadn't come in, he glanced on her every now and then, she was still in the same stop still staring out into space looking at absolutely nothing. It was starting to get dark, she had eaten anything all day, he felt helpless, he couldn't take feeling that way any longer. He walked out on the porch to her.

John walked over to her, she was still in the same stop, position she was when she went out there hours ago, and she didn't even flinch or look when she heard him coming towards her. He bent down, started to pick her up as he spoke gently to her.

"You can trust me," he told her as he carried her into the cabin, she went with him, she pulled her arms around his neck the minute he picked her up and she didn't protest.

John pulled the covers down the bed gently and laid her down. She was almost out of his arms when she looked at him for the first time since before she went on the porch.

"Please John, please, I need to feel something other than pain," she told him and he knew what she was pleading with him for, to do. He laid down next to her in the bed, he softly, gently started to kiss her lips as her eye's closed.

Natalie started to forget, forget if only for a short time, his lips were making her forget, making her feel something, something good, she kissed him back softly, as she felt his hands move to the back of her head and bring her in closer.

Natalie knew this was a mistake; another one but right now, she needed this mistake. She needed someone, she needed him which she knew might make things worse in t he long run but she ignored it, she was vulnerable and she didn't care at this moment in time, in this moment and time she would trust him, if only for this time, if only for this…

John looked into her eyes one last time as he lowered his mouth down her neck, gently kissing and running his lips down each and every inch of her soft neck on his way to his next destination, her breasts. John's hands came upon the flannel material of the shirt she was wearing. His mouth wet it to moisten it. He took his fingers and started to unbutton the buttons that held it closed, one by one he unbuttoned the shirt as his lips kissed its way down her chest further as the skin was exposed. All her buttons were undone and Natalie let out a deep sigh as his mouth came upon her breast. His tongue, warm and slick ignited her nipple to a hardened peak as one of his hands took her other breast and started caressing it at first and then flicking at the nipple as he pushed her back up against the bed. He pulled himself on top of her as he continued his journey to help her forget, to feel.

Natalie moaned out in anticipating as his mouth took her nipple over and over, she brought her arms to his back and ran her nails gently up and down his back, racking his skin as she felt him move off of her.

John pulled himself off of her for a moment, he looked at her, her eyes were closed, and he wanted nothing more than to please her, pleasure her, make her happy, all night if he had too. He reached for her pants, pulled them down along with her panties and he heard her let out a small moan. He smiled, remembering for a moment how verbal she had been with their last encounters, he got lost in it for a minute exciting himself even more. He threw the last of her clothing to the ground, as he quickly rid himself of his.

Natalie felt him pull off her clothing, she opened her eye's just in time to see him quickly pulling at his own clothing, she sighed as he stood naked in front of her for a brief second before bringing his body closer to hers on the bed.

Slowly John moved back on the bed closer to her. He brought his naked aroused body by her ankles; he started to run his hands slowly up one leg as his mouth ran along her other. Still moving at a slow pace almost teasing her with his deliberate actions as his mouth came upon her inner thigh. He licked on her inner thigh till her legs spread slightly at first and then more open as she started to run her hands down her own breasts, trying so desperately to touch him somewhere, anywhere. Her hands barely grazed the top of his head and she let them linger.

John's warm mouth moved from her inner part of her thigh to her center. He started to nick, with his mouth, at the outer part till his tongue took over. His tongue entered her warm moist core and started in a deep action immediately. Thrusting his tongue about inside her over and over not letting up or stopping as he heard her started to moan louder. He reached a hand up, up her body to her breast grazing over the nipple of one of her breast as his tongue felt her start to pulsate. She started to move up and down and he still didn't let up. He started pushing his tongue harder, deeper inside her as he felt her let go. He continued his actions only softer as he felt her come down from it; he felt her walls start to relax. He brought his body up on hers as he saw her whole body relax.

Natalie moaned, she couldn't breath for a few minutes as he performed such tortuous actions on her, she had let go a few minutes ago and then she felt his body move up on her, she opened her once closed eye's and looked right into his. Almost as if looking into his soul. She studied his eyes as he did hers for a few seconds as she reached with her mouth and took his, deeply, softly. She moved her arms around his back completely this time and ran her hands to his ass, she pulled him even closer, letting him know she wanted more, she had more.

John felt her hands on his ass, he wasn't dumb, he had already known how she was, what she was capable of from that night. He also knew how to gage her, how to read what it was she wanted from him. And right now, right now he knew she wanted him inside, right now he knew, knew he wanted to be inside her more than anything. He pushed himself gently inside her, slowly as he pushed deeply, Natalie pulled her legs up and around him, helping to pull him in deeper as he started to slowly move himself inside her, as he started to slowly pushed back hard and then pull almost out slowly.

Tortuous actions on quick and slow drove at her. Hell it was driving at him; he felt it close for himself. He fought it for few minutes, waiting for her again as he heard her gasp for air causing a low raspy moan and he let it go just as she let it go, moving their bodies up and down joined together it was over in a matter of a few minutes.

It was over; he had just made love to her. Not sex like they had on their first endeavor together but Love for John. He moved out of her and laid next to her, he almost held his breath waiting. Waiting to see if she retreated and ran, to see if she wanted to run and hide, to see if she even wanted him to hold her, to snuggle up close and make things right for her. He waited as she finally came around to looking at him, she turned her whole body on her side to face him, and she looked into his face. He wanted so desperately for there to be more, he wanted so desperately to caress her face, to tell her, tell her he was definitely falling for her but... but he knew she wasn't ready for it. He smiled at her, she gave him a weak smile back, she brought her hand to his face, and she caressed it as she looked into his eyes.

"Thank you," she told him and she closed her eyes and started to drift off to sleep leaving her hand on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

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**Chapter 11**

John watched as she slept facing him, he touched her hair that hung in her face, he pushed it back so he could see her sleeping eye's, she was so damn beautiful, he thought as he saw her let out a breath. He contently closed his own eye's to try and get some rest also.

Some time in the night, the long night, Natalie's body found a home in his, nestled up against it and his arms found themselves wrapped around her tightly, contently.

Natalie woke to the sound of her cell phone going off, she sat up slightly and noticed he was holding her, actually that they were holding each other, she froze for a second as she looked at him, a weak smile almost appeared on her face and she got up gently not to wake him. She found the shirt he was wearing from last night and she threw it over her naked self before she grabbed her phone off the mantle.

"Hello, Hi Uncle Bo, yes, I'm fine, I was just sleeping, john is still asleep in the chair, so it's passable, alright, we'll get our stuff together and get back to the station, do you need us to go over to the cabin for the investigation? No? Okay then see you soon in a little while." she told him turning her back to the bed and John. When she finished her conversation with her uncle she stood frozen in her spot for a few minutes. She wasn't sure what to do next. With him, with the situation, how were they going to handle yet another night together? How was she going to handle anther night with him, but more importantly how was she going to handle the fact that she let him inside her, not just her body but inside the barrier she had spent years erecting.

Natalie still stood there frozen for a few more minutes.

John felt her leave his content arms almost immediately, he watched her thru squinted eye's as she put on the shirt he wore last night, she spoke with her uncle and he watched her backside. He watched her hang up the phone and stay motionless in her spot. He knew what was going thru her mind, she wasn't hard to figure out, she was most likely regretting it, not as much the being together part but the opening up part. He didn't want to give her to much time to think into it, to regret it, to retreat and hide, he got up and went to her.

Natalie felt his arms come around her from behind and she held her breath for a few minutes. 'Keep it together Natty, you can do this, you can still be strong' she told herself as she let out the breath. She felt him bring his mouth to her neck, his breath warm and sensual, and she held her breath again. His lips felt so good this morning. They had been wonderful last night and they still felt that way to her this morning. 'What the hell is that all about?' she almost yelled at herself shocked inside at her own thought.

"Good Morning" he told her as he nibbled on her neck starting to make it impossible for her to concentrate on keeping him away, she was losing all control for a moment, again. She leaned back into him and relaxed as he continued to kiss her neck from behind.

Natalie was so relaxed, she was just feeling good, she was letting him kiss her neck, she wasn't thinking about anything, not work, not being vulnerable, nothing but the way his mouth was again making her feel. John turned himself after a few minutes and faced her. He stared into her blue eyes and she could have sworn he was looking inside her, inside her soul. Seeing who she was and what she feared the most. And at this moment in time, he was what she feared most. She feared falling for him, letting him in, maybe even loving him. She took a deep breath and broke the trance; she shook her eyes free and even her heart. She walked away from him slowly.

"We need to get dressed, I told my uncle we'd be right in" she told him as she searched the cabin for her clothes, she found them and proceeded without any further words into the bathroom and got dressed.

John got dressed while she was in the bathroom, he gathered up his stuff and wondered how this was all going to play out, how she was going to handle this, handle what they did last night. He learned a bit about her last night, some stuff, not a lot but some. She had opened up more than she probably ever had. Maybe more than she had ever wanted to with anyone, if he could just get her to open up some more. Little by little if that's what it took to bring down her wall then maybe, maybe, this thing between them, whatever it was, could be more. Cause with the way he had been feeling about her, he definitely wanted it to be more, much more.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked as she walked out of the bathroom dressed with her hair up in a ponytail.

"No, I think we should talk about a few things while we have some time alone" he told her and he saw her back up, she turned briefly, she was retreating, hiding.

"We're already running late, my uncle expected us a few minutes ago, we can talk another time"

"When then Natalie? When can we talk, talk about things? Maybe you could finish what you were telling me last night," he told her and she looked at him. She didn't want to be nasty to him again, rude, but if he pushed her, continued to ask her to share things, things that hurt so much to talk about still to this day, she might revert back to it. Back to those ways, she took a deep breath trying to be calm.

"Please don't push me John, the more I'm pushed the further I move away, I've told you much more than I have ever told anyone before including my Ex husband, can it just be enough."

"Ex husband? I didn't know you were married."

"Yeah, I was, it was a mistake, and it ended badly, so lets just work together and be professional without complications and drama" she told him and he looked confused, was she just ignoring what happened between them last night, everything that happened between them last night.

" Now I'm confused, will all we be is colleagues of sorts, co-workers? Even after last night?" he asked her point blank.

"Honestly?' she asked and he nodded yes" It's more for your benefit than mine, that we just stay co-workers and even act that last night never happened again. None of it, the sex, the talking, the holding" she told him and he looked at her, she remembered the holding, he shook his head 'remember john don't push her, she will just run, be patient' the voice inside his head told him.

"I won't push, when you're ready, ready to talk again, to maybe more again, I'll be here, now we better get to the station." he told her and she smiled, he was nice, not the ass she thought he was at first but nice, if only she was ready for someone, someone nice.

Natalie and John arrived at the station twenty minutes later; She went to the lab, him to his office to discuss pending cases with a few of the detectives. The day went by fast, he was in his office most of the day, she must have been in the lab catching up also cause he didn't see her at all. He sighed as he felt like he missed her, then he chuckled, he missed her charming personality. He came out of his thoughts as he heard Bo knock on his door, he screamed for Bo to come and in and he did.

"Hey John, just wanted to know if you had plans tonight? My family's having a party, well it was suppose to be a surprise party for me at the palace, thought maybe if you weren't doing anything you'd want to come, a few of the officers will be there" he asked John and he saw the man think about it. John thought about it, he didn't have any plans; he had just been hoping to maybe run into Natalie at that Rodi's place, maybe they could shoot some silent pool. He saw Bo continuing to look at him, as he was lost in his own head for a minute.

"Sure, why not, it would probably be fun, thanks for thinking of me" he told him and Bo left, John knew she would be there tonight, that was the only reason he agreed, as much as he liked Bo Buchanan, he hated parties. But a chance to see her outside of work, to be near her that was chances he wanted.

Sometime after 8 John walked into Bo's party, the palace was crowded, people everywhere, the music was blaring and people were having a great time, he walked around the room, searching for a familiar face, for her. He stopped briefly and saw Bo, wished him happy birthday and then continued to search for her when almost forty minutes later he found her, she was on the dance floor dancing close with some guy he didn't recognize, the man held his arms on her waist and his body was close, any closer and the man would have been inside her, she seem to be swaying back and forth to the music, she didn't seem drunk, maybe just a bit tipsy, he continued to watch waiting for the song to end as he heard Michael clear his throat.

"John" he said as John turned to face Michael. Along with Michael was a Man with black curly hair and a short red head.

"Michael" john told him and he smiled

"John this is my girlfriend Marcie Walsh, Marcie this is my brother John, John this is Christian Vega, Christian my brother" Michael introduced everyone, none of the three could help but notice John's attention was some where else as they made small talk, they could tell what and who his attention was on.

"Who's that dancing with Natty?" Marcie asked as she too noticed all the eyes on Nat.

"Not exactly sure who he is, I think a friend from Philly, don't really care right now either, she's not my heartache any longer" Chris said harshly and he excused himself, John heard his words and caught on that he was either her Ex husband or an Ex of some sorts and he was bitter. Marcie also excused herself after a few more minutes leaving Michael and John alone.

"Johnny? I heard you and she were stuck in the Buchanan lodge along for two night, anything you want to share with me?" he asked and john laughed.

"Michael, I don't kiss and tell" john said making a joke wanting to get off that subject, and wanting to know about her ex husband, the one the thought he just saw walk onto the dance floor irate and pull the guy she was dancing with off of her. The situation on the dance floor started to get heated as he watched on, as almost everyone at the party watched on.

"What the hell are you doing Chris?" she said to an angry Chris as he took her arm and escorted her towards the terrace doors, she was now starting to get mad herself at Chris for his caveman ways.

Michael was continuing to talk to john, warn him yet again about pursuing her as John ignored him, and started to walk to the doors.

"I know Michael, I know a no-no, I've got it" he told him walking completely away as he came upon the doors leading outside, he could hear the screaming between the two from the glass doors and he opened the doors not thinking and he grabbed Chris, and he shoved him up against the wall.

"Cool down Man, no need to talk to the lady like that" john told him as he just held him there gently, Chris looked into John's face.

'You obviously must be talking about someone else cause she's not a lady, she's a whore, cause only whores have problems with words like love and respect." Chris told John she was a whore and he lost it a little, he pulled him off the wall a bit only to push him back hard this time.

"Watch your mouth" John told him almost to the point of steaming, but he never showed anything but control

"What the hell? Who the hell are you? Wait a minute... wait... no Natty not already, you aren't doing him already, isn't he your boss, or something, don't you two work to---"

"Shut up! Shut up Chris, you're just jealous that I wasn't dancing close with you, that I was dancing with some one else," she told Chris as John continued to hold him on the wall. Natalie then turned to John.

"Let him go, he's all talk, no action, sort of like our marriage" she said and John released him slowly, Chris moved away slowly and looked at her.

"Well someone had to do the talking in our marriage you were to busy concentrating on the action" he told her snide and then walked away going back inside.

John and Natalie watched Chris walk inside and Natty turned and walked over to a bench not far away. She sat as she put her face in her hands; John slowly walked over and sat next to her.

"Are you alright?" he asked her and she looked up, smiled weakly

"Sure am, Chris didn't really mean all the stuff he said, he's just full of hot air," she told him

"So that was the husband huh?" he said and she nodded.

"Why'd you guys get a divorce?" he asked and he wasn't sure if she was going to answer or walk away, hide.

"Isn't it obvious, I couldn't tell him I Loved him, or give him any emotional part of me, he couldn't handle it, none of the men I've ever been with could handle it, it always ends ugly" she said and he took a hold of her hand without even realizing it.

"Maybe they were the wrong men," he said and she looked at him confused.

"What?" she asked looking at him as he turned his body sideways towards her.

"Maybe they were the wrong men for you, maybe they weren't strong enough to handle it, you, maybe not mature enough or maybe they just didn't look deep enough to see it, to trust it" he told her and she was a bit shocked with what he said, it was sweet almost, he said it as if he was the right one, the mature one that could see down deep into her and see it, see her, she felt a bit awkward for a moment, she smiled briefly, it was a bit amazing how he was getting her at times, how he seem to understand her even. She stared at him. She went for it, maybe, maybe things with him would be different, she was strong enough to try, and to try with him, she crossed her fingers and really hoped, prayed even that if she let him in, that she wouldn't get hurt by it, that he wouldn't get hurt.

"Can we go somewhere and talk?" she asked him and he smiled.


	12. Chapter 12

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**Chapter 12**

John and Natalie started walking, in no particular destination, they just walked, in complete silence for a while, content silence.

John was both happy and shocked when she brought up them going somewhere, talking. It was as if he could see into it more, her wall, almost thru it and the most important part was she was acting as if she wanted him to.

Natalie almost opened her mouth up to speak to him several times as they walked, she wanted to do this, it felt right, was it just time to finally let it all out, to open up to someone or was it him? Was he the reason she never found before? She shook her head still confused on that one. The voices in her head, the ones telling her to shut him out, to be strong not vulnerable they were gone now, and she had hoped they stayed gone. She shook her head, she could do this, she could tell her whole story to him, and if he didn't run away, if he was maybe strong enough to help her deal with it, maybe then, then she could feel some peace.

"Wanna see something?" she asked him and he was confused, but nodded yes, she started walking them towards the hotel he had been living at since coming to Llanview.

"What's going on?" he asked her, as she went into the back door of the building.

"I'm taking you to a place that makes me feel good, another place I go when I want to be totally alone and just relax, its so peaceful" she told him and led him to the roof, they walked out on it and she turned to him.

"I've never brought anyone up here before, I've never felt like I could before, never even wanted to before" she told him and he moved closer to her, he stared into her eye's.

"You feel safe up here don't you?" he asked her and she smiled at him, he got it, he got her, this was her safe haven. She nodded yes and she turned and walked over by the side of the roof, looked out to see all the cars passing by.

"You know, you don't really have to talk if you don't want to, if you don't feel up to it, its enough to know that you feel comfortable enough to want to tell me, want to open up and let me in." he told her and smiled as she faced him.

"Boy was I wrong about you huh? I thought you were the biggest ass around, boy was I wrong, but then again, that was what started it, started everything, me being wrong about men" she said shaking her head at first, and then as the conversation had gotten to her being wrong about men, she was becoming teary eyed, she turned and walked over to the bench behind them.

"I was in and out of foster care for almost a year when Paul and Beth took me in, they were the best, I was almost 12 and they were the closest thing I had ever had to parents, they never could have kids and they were so kind hearted. Paul had his own plumbing business in AC. Those three years I spent with them, were the only good times, the only happy times in my life. I mean ...don't get me wrong I've had times since being here in Llanview that I consider happy. I was in the room when I niece was born, that was unbelievable. I was even my sister's Lamaze coach. My brother's wedding was great, and any time I spend with my mom is heartwarming. But... but I'm not sure why, I guess its because of the wall I put up, but all those times, none of them compare to those three years." she told him all that and took a break, she took a few deep breathes as she started to continue

"So... Paul needed help in the summer with his business, just a helper, his name was Charlie, I called him Chuck" she said and he saw the sadness get worse in her eyes. He reached his hand out to her.

"You don't have to do this you know?" he told her and she shook her head yes, she did.

"You probably already realize where this is going, Chuck and I ended up dating, well secretly, I was 15 he was 18, I wasn't the typical looking 15 year old, my body was more advanced than most and maturity wise I was probably more mature than he. Paul was always giving me that vulnerably speech I told you about the other day, not to be vulnerable, not to let anyone take advantage of me, only wish I would have listened back then, maybe I would've been able to love all this time." she stopped briefly but picked it up quickly

"Paul and Beth found out about me and Chuck after a few months but by then I was in Love with him. I had already been with him, and I'm pretty sure they knew about it. Paul fired him and warned him to stay away from me or he'd go to the cops. I can still remember Beth talking to me about not seeing him anymore."

Flash back

"Natalie honey, you can't see him anymore"

"I don't understand why?"

"Honey, he's older than you, he's more experienced than you"

"He's not that much older and it doesn't matter he loves me"

"Natalie we love you, what that boy feels for you, it's not love its lust"

End FB

John could see the pain in her face, her eye's, he saw a few of the tears in her eye's start to run down her face and he took his hand, wiped them away and told her with his eye's that it was alright to go on.

"I didn't listen and if I did, if I would have listened they would still be alive, both of them, I would've stayed with them, been happy all these years maybe been able to be happy, even find real Love, but... but...instead I was stupid, vulnerable, easy prey, just plain stupid and naive."

They sat still for a few minutes, just caught up in thought the two of them. He was watching her closely as they felt the rain start. It was sudden and cold, yet they still didn't move. She stayed and so did he. She heard the thunder and didn't flinch for some reason; he still held her hand tightly. A few minutes later, more thunder, still she didn't flinch. Finally as she was getting soaked and so was he, he stood bringing her with him.

"Come on, you're getting soaked" he told her and led her down stairs to his room, they entered his room and she shook off the wetness, he gave her a set of dry clothes, she went into the bathroom and changed.

John watched her go into the bathroom and change; he grabbed two beers from the fridge and sat them down on the table next to the couch. Ten minutes later she walked out of the bathroom in his sweats, he couldn't help but smile, she looked cute in everything, he told himself as she came and sat down next to him on the couch. She was quiet for a few minutes.

"Why do you think its all your fault?" he asked her and she looked away for a minute, she was trying so hard not to revert back, not to run but all of a sudden she felt as if she should. He saw her face she was trying to hide again, but she had come so far, he wouldn't let her, he couldn't, not now, she was so close, he knew it, they were almost to the bottom of things, the root of things.

John turned his body and laid back against the arm of the couch, he moved her gently with his hands so she was not laying with her back up against his chest, he circled her with his arms, she allowed him to do all of this, all of it, he held her to him close, she took a deep breath.

"It's...it is my fault...Chuck called the night of a major Thunderstorm. They weren't home yet and I was supposed to stay home, I didn't. He said it was important he needed to see me so I went. When they got home and didn't find me, they called all over looking for me. No one had seen me so they figured I had left to go be with him. It was a fucking major storm, one of the biggest, what the hell was I even thinking sneaking out like that? Why did they care about me so much to even go out in that wicked storm looking for me?" she said brokenly leaning back into his chest more. His warmth was helping; it helped make her strong enough to talk about the worst event in her life. He felt her breathe in and out a bit and he held her tighter.

"The police reports all say that the truck that hit them hadn't even seen them, that's how bad the rain was, the thunder." she told him and closed her eye's briefly, he leaned down kissed the top of her head knowing how painful this must have been for her, still is for her. After a few minutes he asked, asked about the horny ass that helped her guilt all these years.

"What happened to chuck, with Chuck?" he asked softly knowing maybe she didn't feel up to answering it.

"Only if you are up to it," he told her

"He never loved me, Beth was right, it was all about lust. I saw him again after all that. They placed me back with Roxy, my mom back then. She said I was old enough and she had cleaned up enough anyway he came around the day I was leaving their home, gathering my stuff going back with my mom, a place I didn't want to be. I asked him...I asked him to take me away, if we could run away together even, you know what he said? The bastard! The bastard said I was to young for him," she said and shook her head. "All of that and the Son of a Bitch was just using me!" Natalie started sobbing, she couldn't keep it in, none of it, the words at first, and now the tears. He pulled her tighter, as tight to him as could be. As she mumbled over and over again as she shed her tears.

"He never even held me afterwards, he never held me."


	13. Chapter 13

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**Chapter 13**

Natalie finished telling him all about Chuck, Paul and Beth, she was still laying back against his chest and he still continued to hold her with his strong arms, he never let up on his grip, he just held her tighter, stronger with each and every word.

John held her not wanting to let go, not ever, she had all this guilt built up inside of her, and guilt was something John knew a little to well. He him self had guilt, a guilt that haunted him for years but had overcome it himself, with a little help from his brother believe it or not. He felt her take a deep breath; he heard her crying begin to stop. He closed his eyes as he felt her take one of his hands that was around her; she held it with hers and intermingled the fingers.

"I like your arms, your fingers" she told him softly as she continued to hold his hand, pulling her fingers in and out of his feeling his rough skin as she did.

"That's good cause they seem to like you," he told her just as softly back leaning down to the top of her head and kissed it, he rested his head on top of hers. After a few seconds he spoke softly to her again.

"You do know that wasn't your fault, right? The accident, all of it, you were just a kid, that guy was a jerk, you need to let go of that guilt" he told her and she closed her eye's.

"I know, I... Just can't, I've been trying...trying so hard to all these years. But...every time I think I can or that I'm making progress...I Just...well it just isn't, isn't enough progress. I really thought when I married Chris I could do it, just move on with him and be happy, forget... maybe open up to him, let him in. But... obviously that didn't happen." She told him as he looked down at their still joined hands. She briefly closed her eyes, and then reopened them.

"It's really late, I've gotta go" she told him and she attempted to get up from his grip, he held on to her tighter

"No, you need to stay"

"I'm really tired, I ...we have work tomorrow" she told him but didn't attempt any further to get up; he still didn't lessen his grip, his hold on her.

"Sleep then, right here, like this," he told her and he briefly closed his eye's.

"Let me hold you and let me show you, show your heart what it feels like to be held without a wall protecting it. Let my arms protect your heart, protect you" he told her as he felt her tense for a minute and then relax it, she leaned into him more, as much as possible, she closed her eye's as his still remained closed and she tried to sleep.

John woke up on the couch alone, she was no longer in his arms as she had spent the night, he looked around the room, she left, he told himself as he then heard her come out of the bathroom.

Natalie walked out of the bathroom to see his face, he was a bit shocked, as if...as if he thought she was gone.

"You thought I left?" she asked him surprised, but why? Why was she surprised he might think that, isn't that what she did, who she was? She shook her head as she heard him finally speak.

"Honestly I did, but I'm glad you didn't" he told her and she took a seat down next to him.

"You really are a nice guy John McBain, probably to nice, to nice for me" she told him.

"Why, do you think you are going hurt me?" he asked her

"Yeah, I hurt everyone, even if I don't set out to, I just do" she told him and he looked at her. He nodded his head no.

"Not this time you won't" he told her optimist, almost knowing, as if knowing something she didn't.

"Do you know something I don't Lt.?" she asked him Joking, he smiled

"Yes, I do, go out with me?" he asked and she looked confused

"What?" really? Isn't it a bit late for that?" she asked

"Yeah, well...maybe, I mean I guess we've sort of started this thing, this sort of relationship in the middle somewhere haven't we?"

"Relationship? Is that what you would call this? Really?" she asked and he nodded yes

"But how and why call it a relationship, we've slept together a few times, fought a whole lot, hated each other at times, I'm a complete mess, and... I don't really know anything about you, only that you're pretty good in the sack," she said as she smiled, he went to her and laughed

"Pretty good Huh?" he said and he moved even closer, he stopped for a minute, all their laugher stopped; he looked into her eyes.

"Go out with me, say you will please, lets try this slow from the beginning, don't run and hide, we've made progress" he told her, she stared at him.

"I'm not sure...I mean... why would you even want to get more involved with me, I really am a huge mess inside, I can't make promises of changing and...and well...I really don't want to hurt you, it would just be something else I felt guilt about if I did." she told him; he brought his hand to her cheek.

"Listen, stop thinking for a few minutes. Stop thinking about everything in your past; stop thinking about what we've already done together. Stop thinking about how you think you're going to hurt me. Stop thinking your issues even, ignore them. Ignore them all, lets just go out maybe a few hundred times and just have some fun. It seems like we could both use a little fun in our lives." he told her and she grinned into his hand.

Natalie debated things at first but then she smiled, "fun Huh?" she said to him out loud, he nodded yes. Boy did that sound good, she told herself, she could just use to maybe have some fun and relax with things, and with him? She questioned herself, she thought about it for a few minutes, they did have a lot of fun together when they stuck in the cabin, and it was light and easy.

"Okay, I'll go out with you, Pick me up at seven" she told him and got up off the couch, she walked closer to the door to leave when he followed her over.

"Wait, you don't seem to understand something. I asked you out, that means I tell you when and where." he said and she looked at him confused at first, then she got a little mad. She was about to say something about his last words until he smiled. He knew that last statement would piss her off and had said it on purpose to get under her skin. He leaned in and gave her a small peck on the cheek.

"I'll pick you up at seven, that is if I knew where you lived," he told her.

"I'll get you my address at work, I don't want to be late, the Chief of Detectives is a real hard ass" she said and she was out the door.


	14. Chapter 14

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**Chapter 14**

Natalie walked into the station to see him already in his office. He was on the phone with his back to the door and she debated whether she should approach him. Whether talk to him again, give him her address now even. She watched his back and she saw him about to turn so she quickly moved from where she was, she hide from him, why? She asked herself, why would she not want him to see her? She knew why. She was feeling a bit embarrassed about what happened last night, that she had told him her darkest secrets, all about her, well almost all about her, almost all her secrets. There was still one that she couldn't tell anyone, one she was so ashamed of, that she swore she would never tell him, tell anyone. But... but that was before she let someone in, before she let him in.

Natalie stood with her back to the wall just outside his office, she was looking down at the ground caught up in her own thoughts, so caught up she didn't realize he was now standing in front of her.

"Hey" he said and she jumped sky high.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he said and he saw her jumbling for words to say, she was getting red in the face and he was actually a bit amused by it. She saw his amusement and it made her a bit mad.

'What?" she said a bit loud and obnoxious, he laughed, it broke the tension, she laughed to.

"Did you need to see me for something?" he asked and smiled at her.

"Like what?" she answered flirting, she knew he was talking about her address. He looked around the office to make sure no one was around; he brought his mouth real close to her ear.

"We are still on for tonight right?" he asked in a low raspy voice that sent chills down her spine, she smiled.

"Yeah, we're still on" she told him as he noticed a few officers walking towards them; he pulled his mouth away from her ear. He motioned for her to follow him into the office. She did and then he closed the door.

"Were you hiding from me?" he asked and she knew she had been busted, she knew it before when he was standing over by her but she thought with all the flirting he would just ignore it, forget about it.

"Yeah"

"Why?" he asked her as she took a seat across from him, he too sat.

"Cause... Because I'm embarrassed Okay? I mean, I told you all this stuff, stuff I never tell people, never told anyone and I know nothing about you" she told him and he smiled

'That's not true, you know I'm good in the sack, remember that's what you said earlier" he told her grinning, she grinned back for a second.

"Yeah, I know that but... you want me to be honest, it bothers me a little that I know nothing about you, and that you now know so much about me, It makes me feel like you have the upper hand."

"Alright, tonight, on our date, I'll tell you anything you want to know, anything" he said and she smiled.

"Anything?" she said now flirting again, he shook his head yes.

"Okay, I'll see ya later around seven" she said and started to walk out of the room

"Aren't you forgetting something?" he asked and she laughed

"No I'm not, I'm in the computer, just look up the address," she told him as she walked out the door.

Natalie was about to leave work when she walked out of the lab and saw her Uncle and John standing in the hall, she smiled at them.

"Hey Honey cutting out early tonight huh? Its only two hours over the clock tonight, something wrong you sick?" he asked joking a bit, he knew Natalie, she never left the station this early, it was barely five. She gave him a smirk and continued to walk out the door of the station as he called after her joking.

"Guess you must have a really Hot date to get ready for, if you don't have time to hang around and put me in my place tonight" he told her and she turned a bit, she was red in the face. She looked at John quick, and then looked back at her uncle. Bo wasn't stupid, he saw her red face, the way she looked at John, and he knew something was up but he ignored it for now.

"Just don't want to be late for dinner, that's all" she told him and she left the station, her red face and all, Bo turned to John after he saw her leave, he was just as red.

'John, we need to talk, my office" he told him and John followed him into his office

"John, is there something going on with my niece and You I should know about?" Bo asked point blank, John stood stunned, frozen even; he hadn't expected him to ask that, at least not so straight forward. He was fumbling on his words; they weren't even recognizable when Bo let him off the hook.

"I didn't mean to ask, and to ask so bluntly, I know its none of my business, however... if there is something going on whether it be the two of not getting along or the two of you getting along to well, if it interferes in my station, then it will be my business, and... Natalie, her being my niece, I'm very protective of her, there are things in her background that I know still affect her today, and I will not tolerate anyone, especially a man affecting her well being again. Are we clear?" he told John.

John listened to his words, Bo obviously knew something about all that Natalie had told him, but she said she never told anyone. He was confused.

"Things in her background? We've gotten a little close, she's told me some things, said she hasn't ever told anyone, How do you Know? You've had her looked up," he asked and then he realized Bo knew things by looking back into her past.

"I had to have her looked up, to work here, you know that, and as for you two being close... I can sort of see it, the two of you come across as the same type of person, and when I had your background searched I see she isn't the only one with issues, you however have seemed to overcome yours, she hasn't"

"Yes, I have my issues, and yes I have been able to overcome them, they never really go away but they become manageable, as for your niece... I'm not really sure why but she seems to trust me a bit, she's opened up a bit, let me a bit, and... I'd like to get to know her more, maybe help her open up more if I can that is." he told Bo and Bo shook his head.

"You know, I've never seen her respond to anyone the way she does you. Not even her husband or when she briefly dated your brother. If she's already opened up to you after only knowing you a short time, that's a good thing, you seem like a nice guy. Maybe, and I say maybe, maybe you are just what she needs, needs to find some type of happiness, content, peace" Bo told him and then his phone rang. He started to take the call, motioned to a shocked looking John that he was going to take the call in private and walked away.

John heard everything Bo Buchanan said about his niece, he apparently loved her very much, and he even heard that he said his brother, Michael? He questioned. Of course Michael, he hadn't another brother, Bo said they dated briefly, why was this the first time he was hearing of this? Is that why Michael was so bent on him not pursuing her? He shook his head as he gathered his things from his office and headed out for the night.

Seven O'clock came fast, Natalie was all ready to go, and she wore a basic blue tee shirt, a pair of faded jeans, and her black boots. She came down stairs of her cottage just as she heard the doorbell ring; he was here already, she told herself, as she stood frozen for a few seconds.

'Was she ready for this?' she asked herself as she felt a bit panicky inside. 'Would she let him in more tonight?' she asked as she now became nervous. 'Would she be able to control herself around him?' she asked herself, as she got really nervous now. She again heard the doorbell and she shook it off, the nervousness, she opened the door to his smiling face, 'Just have a good time natty' she told herself as she studied his eyes for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Hey, are you ready to go?" he asked her as they stared at each other still.

"Yeah, I am, I just wasn't sure where we were going so I wasn't sure how to dress, am I dres--" she was asking when he cut her off

"You're fine, better than fine, you look great" he told her as he grinned at her, she grinned back at him, he put out his arm, she took it and they left the cottage.

"Where are we going?" she asked and he smiled

'Well..." he said and then stopped. She looked at him confused.

"I thought we'd start at that Rodi's place, a few burgers, pool, a few beers," he told her and she smiled,

"I take it by your smile that meets your approval?" he asked joking and flirty

"Yeah, I love Rodi's, its my most favorite place' she told him almost beaming

"I kinda figured that" he said and they left.

They had arrived at Rodi's hours ago, they played pool and ate, was having a great time. They were at a table just talking, she hadn't asked him anything about himself yet, she wanted to wait to enjoy the night first, later, there would be time to ask him later, they were laughing about a case John was telling her about when they turned to see Michael standing next to them at the table. Michael was actually standing next to them as they continued to laugh for a few minutes just observing them interact before they even realized he was there.

"Hey" Michael said as they finally saw him, John and Nat both said Hello.

"Want to join us?" Natalie asked and John made a face, Natalie looked at him confused, this was his brother, what he hell was wrong with him.

"Michael is probably busy I'm sure" John said and Michael now looked at him, it was a bit awkward, the three of them didn't say a word for a few minutes. Natalie sensed the tension; Hell the whole bar could sense the tension.

"You know what? Michael stay for a few minutes talk to your brother, I have to use the ladies room" she told him and excused herself. Michael nodded his head and sat across from John.

"What's up Johnny? You and Natalie seeing each other now?" he asked him a bit cold and then he relaxed.

"And what if we are?" John spat back not liking Michael tone and definitely not liking the fact that Michael never told John he had gone out with Natalie.

"You know what? Nothing, never mind" Michael told John and John wasn't letting it pass.

"Are you so negative about me seeing her cause you have past experience with her?' John asked coldly

"Now I get it, she told you, you know, that's why, why you are tense, things are tense between us" he said to John and john nodded his head, they both didn't speak for a few minutes, they noticed she came out of the bathroom and stopped by the bar to talk to the bartender. She was laughing

"She and I barely dated, we decided to be friends, which ended better than how it does with most of the guys that she's dated. It was along time ago, three years maybe, she's got issues."

"So why are you telling me this now? Not the first time we spoke about her."

"Not sure why, I just think... maybe I've never seen her like this before. Look at her; she seems different somehow. Not sure how to put my finger on it, maybe you're good for her. I just hope she's good for you, you've just moved on from your own issues," he told him as they saw her start to walk back.

"She's good for me, we're good for each other, and she just hasn't realized it yet"

"And you have?" Michael asked John quickly as she approached.

"Yep, I have" John said with a smile as she took a seat, Michael excused himself and left.

"It's late" she said as she sat and looked at him, his eye's seem to be staring straight thru her.

"I know, let me take you home" he told her and they left the bar.

John drove them back to her house, in silence for a few minutes until Natalie had to get something off her chest.

"You know about me dating your brother along time ago, don't you?" she asked and he shook his head yes.

"Is that a problem?" she asked and he didn't answer it, he wasn't sure, it wasn't much of a problem, he just didn't like the fact or the thought of her having had slept with her brother.

"He and I never slept together" she said knowing just what he was thinking, she saw him smile briefly as he faced forward and watched the road, he reached over with the hand that wasn't on the wheel and took hers, he intermingled their fingers and now it was her turn to smile.

They arrived at her cottage and walked to the front door, she opened the lock and turned to him.

"Wanna come in?" she asked a bit shyly, he smiled, he wanted to go in, he really wanted to but... but he didn't know how he would keep his hands off her if they were in there alone, they had such a great time tonight, he at this point wanted her even more than he had wanted her before.

"Not sure it's a good idea," he told her and she understood perfectly but she didn't want the night to end, she hadn't even found out anything about him yet

"I understand, I just...I'm just having so much fun I don't want it to end, I haven't even learned anything about you yet" she told him and he looked at her, she was so damn beautiful, how could he turn this down.

"Okay, just for a few minutes, that way you can ask me a few questions" he told her and she pushed the door open and they went inside.


	15. Chapter 15

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**Chapter 15**

John followed Natalie into her home, he looked around, it was cute, they walked into her living room, and she stood near the couch.

"Do you want something?" she asked and she saw him smile, grin, she laughed.

"Like coffee, tea, water" she said still smiling, he shook his head no and sat, she too sat on the couch next to him. Neither spoke for a few minutes as she fidgeted with a throw pillow.

"I had a great time tonight" she said and his smile got bigger

"Yeah, me too, it was fun, really fun, you're really fun" he said and he just couldn't help it, he reached over with his lips and took hers, deeply for a few minutes till she pulled back.

"That was great too," she said and he smiled proudly.

"But... I really want to know a few things about you, you know so much about me" John nodded his head for her to go ahead as he leaned back on the couch.

"Have you ever been married?" she asked him

"No"

"Why did you become a cop?" she asked him a question she had no idea would lead to his issues, issues she was unaware he had.

"My dad was a cop, he was killed and It made me want to be one, to help people, put the bad guys away." he said and she saw he got a bit upset, she reached her hand to his, she laid it on top of his, he looked at her, into her eye's.

"I'm sorry, it's hard to lose someone you love," she told him and he saw her tear up a bit, he brought his hand to her face, he caressed it.

"Yes, it is, I've... I've also lost someone else, someone I was starting to love, she worked with me, she was my partner and she was also killed in the line of duty like my dad" He said and she got more teary but this time for him, he looked so sad at the moment this wasn't how she wanted this night to end. She stood up, still holding his hand and walked towards another room on the first floor of her house, he followed as she still held his hand, in silence they walked into a room with a pool table and a dartboard. John looked around, he started to walk over to the sticks on the wall, and he took two down.

"Wanna play or did I beat you bad enough at Rodi's tonight?" he asked and she smiled as they ignored the sadness they both had felt a few minutes ago. Natalie grabbed the rack and started racking the balls. They played pool for a few minutes before they started to talk and laugh, have fun.

"So McBain, what are ya gonna do?" she told him meaning the eight ball, he was lining up his shot, standing behind him, real close. He could feel the heat running thru his body, she leaned even closer as he took his shot and the closeness caused him to scratch, she laughed as he stood back up straight.

"Oh that wasn't fair," he said and she continued to laugh at him

"To bad, if you can't handle the heat stay out of the kitchen' she told him and he grinned at her words. It was definitely hot in there, really hot, scorching to a point, he looked at her his eye's hot and filled with desire as he reached for her. He pulled her towards him by her waist and she dropped her stick on the floor making a loud noise but neither flinched at the sound.

He pulled her in close, really close, grabbed her lips with his owns and started his attack. Neither backing down or moving away. They gave in to each other again, over and over their lips frantically took each other never parting, never coming up for air. John's tongue entered her mouth and tasted her uniqueness as he was starting to lower her back onto the pool table, his hands moved to her breasts over the thin material of her tee shirt, squeezing and teasing her nipple thru the material. He brought his body on top hers on the table, his mouth running down her neck in search of her breast and she started to breath even heavier. Her hands moved to the top of his head as he lowered his mouth to her breasts.

"J-O-H-N" she some how managed to get the words out in between breathing heavy.

"No. I mean... we can't... I don't want to look back on this and regret anything... It's been a perfect night... for me anyways" she told him and at first he didn't hear her but then he did. He stopped, she was right, they have done this before, and although he never regretted it, he to wanted this to be different. This was a start for them, their beginning so to speak, a beginning to a relationship about more then just sex. There would be a time and place for this, just not tonight.

John stood, got up, fixed himself in his restraining pants, and then held out his hand to help her up off the table.

"Thanks" she told him

"It's okay I understand," he said as she showed him to the door. They stopped briefly, he took his arms, and put them around her waist, he pulled his lips in close, kissed her deeply. After a few minutes he used all his will and pulled back and let go of her waist. He saw her eyes were still closed and he started walking out the door of her house, he turned before completely leaving and saw her open her eye's and she smiled at him.

"See ya at work tomorrow" he told her and she smiled more.

Natalie went to bed feeling good and a bit frustrated, his lips, his mouth, his touch, it drove her crazy tonight, hell, it drove her crazy each time he was near, she just didn't want to admit it that she wanted him and that he was getting to her, opening her up more and more each time they were together.

Natalie got undressed and got into bed, she was still smiling. How was he able to accomplish that, accomplish her smiling? She thought about it, the night was so much fun, he helped her tonight and she knew it, he helped to ease the pain she always felt being with a man, going on a date, the guilt of what happened ten years ago, just being with him, being around him, joking, playing pool it just helped, she wondered why him? Why hadn't being around any other man helped at all these years? Maybe he was right, in more ways than one, maybe the other night when he said he was the right man, maybe he really was. Maybe all these years she just never met the right one, him. She for the first time in a long time felt as if she was happy? Content? At peace? If she was starting to feel all these things, all those emotions maybe she'd even be able to find Love, feel Love, or could she already be starting to feel it? She asked herself confused as she went to sleep for the night.

The next morning came fast as Natalie walked into the station, she went to her desk in the lab and looked over her calendar, she looked at the date and saw she had her monthly drug screening today, the new governor had made it mandatory for all Law enforcement personal to have monthly screenings at the hospital, she started working for a few minutes before she needed to go to her appointment at the hospital. She was making her way thru the lobby right passed his office door when she looked in and saw him, he looked up at her and motioned for her to come in, she walked in smiling a bit as she saw him stand to his feet.

John walked towards her, he had a serious look on his face, he came close and then walked passed her, closed his door, locked it and turned the blinds so they were closed, she watched him and got a curious look on her face.

John moved in closer, he brought his hands behind her neck and started to take her mouth with his, over and over for a few minutes till she pulled hers away and looked into his desire filled eye's. His hands were now around her waist and he looked back into her eye's.

"Good morning " she said sweet and flirty

"It is now," he said as he grinned at her, he reached in for a quick kiss, and then she pulled away.

'I've gotta go, I have an appointment, but it was nice seeing you this morning Lt" she told him as she started for the door, she started to open it and he stopped her.

"It will be even nicer seeing me later, say Dinner?"

"I can't tonight," she told him and he looked disappointed, she was a bit disappointed.

"Plans?' he asked curious to who and what

"Yep, got a date" she told him and he was now confused, and almost a bit jealous? She laughed at his face.

"A date with a three year old, I'm babysitting my niece while my sister and her boyfriend go out, its sort of their anniversary or something"

"Oh" he said feeling a bit better about things now

"Afterwards then, we're both off tomorrow"

"She's spending the night," she told him and he looked.

"Your sister and her boyfriend are pretty lucky then, they get a whole night alone" he said and she smiled

"Yep, a whole night alone" he removed his hands and she started on the lock again, she was almost out the door when he stopped her again.

"Does she like pizza? Your niece, you?" he asked and she smiled

"Why?" she asked curious

"Well thought maybe I'll stop by around 7 and bring the two of you a pizza, that is if you both like pizza," he said grinning and flirty

"Yeah, we both like Pizza but she's in bed around 7, better bring it for us around 5:30" she told him, he smiled even wider this time, he took a chance, he looked around first, didn't see anyone and then he took a quick peek on the lips before she started to walk away.

Twenty minutes later Natalie walked into the Hospital, she went into the exam room still fully clothed, after a few minutes of waiting Michael walked in.

"Hey, here's the cup, you know the drill" he told her as Natalie stood from the table she was sitting on a little bit to fast. She got a bit dizzy and he had to catch her.

"Whoa, are you feeling alright Nat?" he asked and she mouthed a yes as she took the cup into the private bath in the room, she came out a few minutes later with her urine sample in hand, Michael took it and started to fill out the proper paperwork.

"Okay, I'm out of here" she said, as she was about to leave when he stopped her.

"Wait, do you have a few minutes to talk about my brother," he asked and she cringed when she heard him say his brother, things were going well, she really didn't need Michael sticking his big nose into things now.

"What is it Michael?" she asked him


	16. Chapter 16

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**Chapter 16**

"Natalie... I don't want to pry but"

"Then don't Michael"

"Natalie, he's my brother and I just want to make sure he doesn't get hurt"

"He's a big boy Michael and... Well I like him alright, if that makes you feel better, he's not like anyone I've been with, I don't plan on hurting him"

"Natalie, you never plan on hurting anyone it just happens sometimes"

"Michael I've gotta go, I don't want to have this conversation with you, like I just said a few minutes again, he's a big boy, lets leave it at that" Natalie told him and excused herself.

John walked up to her door with a pizza in his hands and a six-pack tucked under his arm. He rang the bell and stood there for a few minutes, she didn't answer. He peeked his head in thru the front window of her house and saw the place was a mess, there were toys everywhere. He rang the bell again and watched thru the window as a small blond girl ran into the room towards the door.

"Aunt Natty, aunt Natty there's a strange man at the door" the girl screamed, John laughed the little girl called him strange and then he heard the little girl say something about a pizza.

"He's got a pizza too," Julia, screamed to Natalie as she walked into the living room, she smiled at her niece and her words.

'Then I guess he can't be that strange, not if he's bringing us a pizza" Natalie told her in a playful voice as she opened the door for John.

John heard how playful she was with her niece, he smiled, she was cute with her. She opened the door for him and he smiled at her as he reached over to her and gave her a kiss on the lips hello.

Natalie was a bit shocked by the hello kiss he gave her, it was definitely something that she was unsure of, he seem to be kissing her a lot lately, she smiled, she kinda liked it.

"Julia Brennan, this is the strange man with the pizza, his name is John," she told Julia and she laughed, John smirked to, he held out a hand to shake her little hand

"John this is my most favorite niece Julia"

'Aunt Natty, I'm your only niece" the girl said and Natalie smiled

"I know" she said laughing and smiling, John laughed as he watched her, she seemed so happy, she was so cute with her, he was still looking at Natalie when she walked over to him. She grabbed the Pizza out of his arms.

'If you are done staring maybe we can eat?" she told him joking and she led the way to the kitchen. They ate pizza and had some laughs; John had watched her almost the whole time with her niece. He just couldn't get over it, she was such a natural with the girl, and it was a wonder cause of her up bringing. The way she said the woman that was suppose to be her mother wasn't much of one, and then the foster homes she was shipped back and forth from. She must have gotten what she could of her nurturing from her foster mom Beth.

Dinner was just about over; Natalie took Julia up stairs to get washed up and to put her pajamas on. John took it upon himself to start cleaning the mess from dinner; he cleaned up and then went into the living room to wait for them to come down. He walked over to her fireplace, she had some pictures on the mantle, mostly of Julia, a few of a blond, her and Julia, he figured must be her sister Jess.

Natalie came down the stairs giving Julia a piggyback ride. She cleared her throat, as she placed her on the couch, Natalie started her favorite movie and then went over to see John looking at her pictures on the mantle.

He smiled when she walked over to him, he held out a picture.

"Who are all these people?"

"That's my brother Kevin, My brother Joey, Me of course, Jess and My mom" she told him as he asked about a few other pictures, she smiled, he seem to want to know who everybody was on her mantle, everyone that was important.

"Is this one Julia when she was just born?"

"Yeah it is, I was in the room with Jess, she was so small back then, time goes by fast doesn't it?' she asked and then got a bit teary, he noticed it. He brought his hand to her face and stared into her teary eyes for a few minutes, there was something in them, something she looked like she wanted to say, to tell him but she didn't.

"I've got more, more pictures if you really are interested in seeing them, you don't have to if you really don't want to" she told him knowing looking at pictures of other people might not be much fun for him, for anyone.

"I'd love to see them," he told her and she went to the draw in the table in the other room, she came out with two big books. They went thru the first book it was mostly pictures from when she first came to be with her family. Then the second was a mixture of everyone and everything.

"This is man from the night I took you to the Hospital" he questioned

"Yeah, that's my youngest brother rex, he's Roxy my mom, my sort of mom that raised me, Red and I are very close, I'm the closest to him, I sort helped raise him before his aunt came and took him away and I ended up in foster care" she said and he watched her, it was hard for her, then and even now, this opening up thing was hard on her but she was doing it and doing it so well.

Natalie went over towards the couch for a minute to check on Julia when she saw she was asleep, she picked her up and started to carry her upstairs, he motioned that he would carry her but Nat shook her head no.

John returned to look thru her photo's when he came to a envelope in the back of the book, he didn't think anything of it and he opened it up, she came down the stairs and saw him opening up her envelope and she freaked.

"No! ...That's ...nothing Important" she told him but he had already seen it, two pictures, one was actually a picture and another was an ultrasound of some sort. He looked up at her confused as she came hovering over him; she knew he already saw them and she walked away from him.

John followed her as she walked to the front window, he put his hand on her shoulder, and she pulled it away from his touch.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know I wasn't suppose to look at them, I really am sorry," he told her back

"That's fine maybe you should leave now, I'm tired," she told him shutting down, closing up

"Don't Natalie, don't do this, you've come so far, tell me about the pictures" he told her and she was silent for a few minutes

"One of them is you with Paul and Beth right?" he asked and she nodded her head she.

"And the other, tell me about the other, its a ultrasound or something, is it Julia?' he asked and he had a feeling it wasn't Julia, there was even a date on it, it was ten years ago. He reached his hand out to her again this time, this time she didn't flinch or move away.

"Were you pregnant Natalie? Ten years ago?" he asked her and he saw from behind she started to tremble a little. He turned her with his hands after no words for a few minutes.

Her silent tears stained her face and she didn't seem like she could speak, he pulled her into his chest and held her for a few minutes. He knew the answer.

"What happened to it, to your baby, did you give it away?" he asked her softly after a few minutes, when he thought she would be alright answering.


	17. Chapter 17

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**Chapter 17 (NC-17)**

"I lost the baby at almost four months " Natalie told him and she didn't know why, that was her biggest secret, of all the things she kept inside that was the one she held closest to her heart, afraid the most to reveal and she just did, and it didn't take much coaxing either. He pulled her even closer to his chest and held her even tighter.

"Do you want to talk about it? Maybe it'll good for you if you do." he told her and she pulled off his chest for a minute

"There's nothing else to talk about, it happened and its over, it wasn't such a good thing anyways, I had no-one back then" she told him as she didn't move her eye's from his, he stared back at her.

"You know sometimes to talk about things helps to d--" he was in the middle of saying as she cut off his words

"John! I don't want to talk about it," she said getting mad and she pushed completely out of his arms and walked quickly up the stairs to her room, she checked in on Julia before she settled in on her bed. She lay down in the middle of it, stared at the ceiling, she closed her eyes briefly, and when she opened them again she saw him out of the corner of her eye.

John walked into her room, closed the door behind him, and looked to see her lying on her bed with closed eyes. He knew how hard it was for her to open up to him, to tell him a secret about something that obviously had a huge impact on her life and who she was today. He also knew he shouldn't have pushed her so much, he took the risk of pushing her further away and that he didn't want to do. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you, I know how hard it was for you to even let me in, in the first place" he told her as he laid himself down next to her, he turned on his side facing her body, she turned also, there eye's met. He reached in gently with his lips and kissed her.

Natalie felt his gentle kiss, she closed her eye's, she just wanted to feel, feel him, feel something, something other than the pain, other than the guilt, she felt his arms come around her, as he stopped kissing her and looked into her eye's. He knew what would make her feel better if only for a little while. He touched her mouth with his deeply, she responded right away, she didn't hesitate and she allowed herself to get lost in what she was feeling now, for him and how he was making her feel rather than the emotions she had locked up deep inside her.

After a few minutes of Kissing, John pulled away, he began to stand from the bed, he pulled her up by her hand, they stood silently facing each other as he reached and started to remove her clothes.

John's hands started at the hem of her shirt, he pulled it up and over her head as they stared into each other's eyes. Never wavering there eye's he threw her shirt to the floor, and watched as she unhooked her own bra in the back and let it fall to the floor, John's hands went down to the front of her pants, he unbuttoned them and pushed them along with her lacy panties down to the floor.

Natalie stepped out of her pants, her panties, she stood Naked in front of him, not just her flesh was naked but her soul felt naked too, her heart even. She was stripped of things she held inside for to long, she watched as he started to remove his clothes, she moved a bit closer and gently, slowly, helped with the buttons on his shirt, she looked at the buttons, one by one, and she undid them, she looked up as she did meeting his eye's. As she finished up his buttons, he unhooked his pants, unzipped them, and started to push them down his legs along with his boxers.

Natalie finished his buttons, she shed him of his shirt just as he was shedding himself of his bottom garments, he too now stood naked and in front of her. No words were said nor any touching occurred for several minutes till she got a bit teary and spoke.

"You make it so easy to be naked in front of you, to bear it all. Thank you," she told him and he smiled weakly. He moved closer to her, he picked her up in his arms, walked them a few feet, and placed her on her bed gently. His body came upon hers as he stared into her eyes, his mouth moved in slowly and carefully as it started its journey.

Natalie arched up her back as his mouth started lowering itself down towards her naked breast. He stopped at one of her nipples and took it into his mouth and he heard her let out a cry of pleasure. Slowly he continued to take on her breasts, to devour them with his mouth, with his tongue as he felt her body arching up more with each action, as he heard her moans, her cries, her letting go.

Natalie let it go, all of it, she was relaxed and his mouth was helping to do that, his actions, they sent shivers thru her body, over and over as his tongue cause the heat in her body to intensify, she felt him move his hand down to her core, one hand as his mouth stayed on her nipple. She let out a cry of enjoyment, excitement, of pleasure as he inserted two fingers at once. She bit down on her lip and tried to hold back as his agonizing actions cause her to let go completely for a moment. She started to move her hips, up and down on his fingers as her walls started to tighten around him, his mouth was still on her breasts and he suckled them with out easing as she let out a few more yelps of pleasure as she came down from her high, from her release.

John felt her finish for the moment and he removed his fingers, he removed his mouth from her breast and brought them both up towards her face. He stared in her eye's as there faces were within inches of each others, he saw a tear come to her eye, the tear released itself down her cheek, he brought his hand up, his finger and wiped it away.

"I wanna be able to wipe away all your tears, let me" he told her and she brought her head up, her mouth up, she leaned into him and kissed him deeply, she laid her head back on the bed as his mouth came back to hers as he gently entered her. He pushed himself towards the back of her core, the furthest possible place. He pulled his lips off of hers as he started to pushed himself in and out of her, over and over, slowly at first but picking up speed with every movement, she brought her hands up on his bare chest, his bare soul even, she touched the skin over his heart and she too started movements. Up and down meeting his actions as she felt him tremble a bit, as she felt herself contract, tighten; let go, at the same time.

John pulled himself off of her, out of her, he kissed her deeply as he did and laid himself on his side next to her. He took her hand, joined it in his as he looked at her, and stared into her eyes. She looked back into his eyes.

" I think this thing between us, this going back and starting from the beginning, this relationship, I think it may be moving faster than we originally wanted it to, than we originally expected it to, or at least for me anyways, cause I think...never mind" he said and she needed to know. She spoke softly

"Cause why John?" she asked him and he was a bit hesitant at first.

"I don't want to ruin this, to scare you off, its not important right now, its not the time " he said and she shook her head

"You won't scare me off, lots of things scare me, but for some reason, a reason I am unaware of, you don't, you actually make me feel safe, which is something I've never felt before, well not in a real long time anyways." she told him, he smiled weakly at her and said it.

"Cause I think I'm falling in Love with you, Hell! I think I've already fallen" he told her and she got tearier, she brought his hand to her mouth, and she kissed it.

"I lied there are a few things that do scare me when I'm with you. I'm scared of hurting you, scared of loving you, but... as scared of loving you as I think I am, I still think maybe I do" she told him and she kissed him softly on the lips. He leaned himself back on the bed and pulled her on his chest, he reached down with his hands and pulled some covers up and over their naked bodies as they just laid there in contented silence.


	18. Chapter 18

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**Chapter 18**

Natalie woke sometime about two in the morning, she tried to get out of his grip carefully without waking him but it was next to impossible, he was holding her so tight as they slept, she tried wiggling out and he started to wake a bit.

"What's going on?" he asked still very much asleep

"I just wanna check on Julia and get some water, you thirsty?" she asked and he mumbled yes as he fell back to sleep.

Natalie went out into the hall, looked into the room Julia was staying in. The child was still very much asleep; she went down stairs and got a glass of water. She was heading back up the stairs when she stopped, looked over towards the photo albums, and walked over to them.

Natalie put the small floor lamp on and she sat in the chair by the sofa. She picked up the envelope from where John had obviously left it when she went up the stairs. She started to open the envelope and look at the pictures but then stopped. She hadn't looked at those pictures in so long; they always hurt to look at. She walked around with enough guilt inside that she never wanted to add to that.

She started to open the envelope again. She could do this, she told herself, and she could look at these pictures, remember everything, and not let it affect her so much. She could find the strength to not be vulnerable, not let her guilt and her grief ruin her life, ruin something that might turn out to be the best thing that happened to her. She would not let it ruin something with a person who might be the best thing that happened to her.

She slowly took out the picture of her, Paul, and Beth. She looked over it and then ran her fingers over their faces in the picture.

He didn't make a noise, or say a word but she knew he was standing behind her in the chair, she felt him, she looked up at him briefly, their eye's met and then she looked back down at the picture. She scooted over a bit on the oversized chair and made room for him to sit with her, he took the hint and sat with her as she continued to look at the picture.

"This picture was taken on my thirteenth birthday, it was the first birthday I had ever spent with them. Shit, it was the first birthday of mine anyone had ever acknowledged. They took me to dinner, it was fairly warm out for October, and we walked on the boardwalk. It was a great birthday, they were great," she told him as his hand came upon her shoulder. She smiled weakly as she continued to look at the picture. She put the picture down on the table next to her, and she picked up the ultrasound of her baby.

"I was alone, all alone when I lost her, and yes, I was pretty sure it was a her. I was so young, and all alone but... I would have made it work, I would have been a good mother, I know I would have, we might not have had much but I would have had my baby and she would have had me" she told him and she took a deep breath, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

"You would have been an amazing mother even at such a young age, you will make an amazing mother someday" he told her as he kissed her head one last time.

"That's nice of you to say, but... I might not ever get the chance to be one or to know if it's even true... there was some kind of complication that I still don't understand to this day, and when Chris and I first got married before everything went crazy, I thought if we tried to have a baby right away it would help. Help to heal me, if that makes any sense but it never happened, we tried for along time too, almost a year and the added stress of that just made our already strained marriage worse." she told him still very intently staring at the picture.

"That doesn't mean it won't ever happen for you, it just wasn't right. Chris obviously wasn't right, you and he together weren't right. It was a blessing at the time that it didn't happen for the two of you, things would have been so much worse if there was a child involved." He told her and she looked at him, she saw his sincerity in his eyes, heard it in his voice. She smiled weakly.

"Thank you for that, and I'm sorry" she told him and he was confused

"Sorry for what?" he asked

"I'm sorry that it seems the only time we've made love has been about pain, about my pain, and about making me forget" she told him and he smiled. She looked at him confused now by his smile.

"You said Making Love" he told her still smiling, she put down the picture and started to smile at him herself.

"I know what I said, the first time, the time we were drunk, before I knew you, knew anything about you, it was sex, pure sex with a stranger. At my grandfather's cabin, it was different, you helped me that night and I knew you, sort of, there was something about you. I felt something, and tonight... tonight I feel a turning point, it made me want to tell you more, be with you more, maybe even love you more. I'm...I'm just sorry its all been about me and my pain, I'd love for us to Make love and it be about joy, maybe fun and light."

"It will be, I promise you that, as soon as all these things are freed, as soon as you feel free, we can make love and it will be only about the two of us, no-one else, no guilt, no pain" he told her and she smiled, she got up out of the chair, she took his hand, led him upstairs to the bedroom, they laid down and she started to kiss him deeply.

"I feel more free already," she told him as she started to make love to him again.

About eight in the morning there was a knocking at Natalie's bedroom door, and a small Childs voice came bellowing thru.

"Aunt Natty... aunt Natty, can I come in, its morning, I'm a wake" Julia screamed thru the door as John awoke first, he jumped up out of the bed and started to find his clothes as he heard the knob of the door start to turn, he stood frozen for a few minutes. Natalie woke to john frantically searching for his clothes. She started to laugh

"What are you laughing at, she could be in here any second" he told her quietly as he started getting his clothes on.

"She isn't tall enough nor does she have enough coordination to turn the knob all the way to open it" she said laughing and almost as soon as the words were out the child opened the door and was pushing it open, John freaked, he had just managed to get his clothes on but Natalie was still laying in the bed naked and only covered by a sheet. Natalie's smile and laughter quickly faded as Julia walked into the room.

"Hey, I don't know you were having a sleep over with John?" the girl asked and Natalie became white as the sheet that was over her.

"Ummmmm..." Natalie said fumbling for words, as it was now John's turn to laugh

"Mommy and daddy have sleepovers all the time, can I have breakfast now?" the innocent child asked and Natalie nodded yes, John turned towards Julia, went over, and took her hand.

"Come on I'll make you something to eat while aunt Natty gets up" he told her as he walked her down stairs, he turned to Natalie briefly and smiled and then gave her a small wink.

Twenty minutes later Natalie walked into the kitchen to John and Julia both sitting an eating bowls of cereals. She turned to the cabinet and got herself a bowl as she saw John staring at her, and he was still smiling. Five minutes later the doorbell rang.

"Its gotta be Mommy and daddy, its gotta be" Julia said as she ran into the living room towards the door, Natalie followed behind not to far.

"It is" Julia said excited, Natalie went over opened the front door and Jess and Nash walked in, they both kissed Julia hello.

"Were you a good girl for your aunt?" Jess asked Julia, Julia nodded yes; Jess was just about to say something else when she saw a man walk out of Natalie's Kitchen. Jess' voice caught in her throat. She looked towards Natalie as she noticed he only had on a tank top with his pants, no socks, or shoes. Her mouth continued to hang open

Julia walked over to John as he entered the room; she took his hand and brought him over towards her mom and dad.

"This is John, I thought he was a stranger with a pizza at first but he's a friend of aunt Natty's, they had a sleepover last night like you and daddy do sometimes" the sweet child said and Natalie face turned red, she looked at John who stepped forward to shake Nash's hand.

"John McBain" he said "Nash Brennan" Nash returned the shake, " and this is Jessica, Nat's sister" Nash said as both Jess and Nat weren't speaking, the y couldn't seem to find the words. After a few minutes Jess went over and shook John's hand, she smiled at Natalie as she spoke to him.

"You're Michael's brother right?" John nodded yes, "you're the new chief of detectives right," she asked, and he nodded yes as they watched Julia run into the kitchen for something.

"So that means you and Natalie work together, huh? Friends huh? Are you sure there isn't anything else going on here?" Jess continued to drill John as she kept smiling at Nat; Natalie was starting to get mad at all the questions being hauled at john.

"So you guys had a sleepover as in Chief of Detectives here slept in your other spare bedroom?" she asked in general ands Natalie lost it a bit.

"Yes Jess...Yes... we had a sleep over, but he didn't sleep in the spare room, Okay, enough, he slept in my room, my bed with me, are you happy now, nag? Can you stop with the third degree?' she told her a bit hostile at first but then ended up laughing the last part, Jess to laugh, the men however didn't think it was that amazing, they just stood back an watched as the two of them continued to laugh and walked away from them a bit.

"He's really cute Nat" Jess said and Natalie smiled as she looked back at him.

"I know, but he's much more than that" she told her and Jess looked at her, she was surprised to hear her sisters tone about a man, her face even, something was different.

"Something's different? You? This guy seems different than the others, different than Chris, to you anyways, right? I am right aren't I" jess asked and Natalie nodded as they watched Julia run in with her stuff. They walked back over to the men and Julia; Jess made a point to thank Natalie and told her to call her later they needed to talk.

When Jess, Julia, and Nash were gone John walked over to Nat.

"Well I guess that was pretty awkward, your sister...she's... she's a bit..."

"Annoying, a bit of a hound, yep, she is but that's jess and I love her for it" Natalie said and she couldn't believe it, she just said the word love about her sister. She smiled.

"You are so good for me John McBain," she told him and he was a bit confused but he didn't waste the good mood.

"I am aren't I?" he said and she smiled wickedly at him. He returned the smile

"Come on upstairs let me show you how good I really am to you" he said and they walked up the stairs back to the bedroom.

Two hours later they were still holding each other in bed again, she had her head again on his chest, and he was caressing her back gently with his fingertips.

"Is there anything you want to do today?" he asked her and she smiled to herself.

"We've already done what I wanted to do a few times" she told him and he smiled

"Seriously what do you want to do today, do you have plans, can we spend the day together?" he asked

"If we can spend it in bed" she said in a flirty joking tone

"Are you trying to kill me girl, I'm not as young as you remember?" he told her and she laughed.

'Actually no I don't remember, I know you're a bit older but it just didn't phase me and you didn't seem to have any problems keeping up last night or this morning" she told him and he smiled, he leaned his head down and kissed the top of her head.

After a few minutes of just ignoring the question Natalie turned her head up towards him.

"I know what I want to do today, I want to learn more about you John, today will be all about you telling me everything and anything there is to know about you since you know almost everything there is to know about me" she told him and he sat up, taking her up with him. He looked into her eyes.

"I'm a bit boring, are you sure?' he told her and she smiled

"Trying to get out of it huh? I doubt anything about you is boring, please? I didn't learn that much about you the other night, it would make me feel like this relationship was on level ground" she told him and she smiled weakly to her, he was a bit nervous about telling her all abut him, not that he was a bad person but he was no saint.

"If I have to," he told her and she smiled and nodded yes he did.

'I just don't want you to be disappointed in me, I'm not that perfect, I'm not as nice as you think I am"

"You're perfect to me in everyway that counts, I could never be disappointed in the man that broke down my walls and climbed inside my heart" she told him and kissed him deeply. She smiled at him, as her hands started moving down his chest.

"You are trying to kill me, aren't you?" he said joking as he kissed her back just as deeply.


	19. Chapter 19

**ABC owns them**

* * *

**Chapter 19**

John and Natalie spent the next couple of days together, getting to know each other more, having fun and being content together. John told Natalie all about his life, growing up with a wonderful mother and father till his dad was killed in the line of duty.

John explained to her how much it hurt and how it took him a long time to deal with it, how supportive his brother Michael was. He also told Natalie of his old partner, the one he had been seeing, and the one that was shot and killed in a sting operation for the FBI. He explained the guilt he felt from that, the guilt that he should have been able to stop it, prevent it. How they had even been arguing that day, they had an argument in their relationship and they brought it into the job and how that was what made him feel the most guilt. He also told her about being able to free himself of that guilt. How it took a long time but he, again with Michael's help, accomplished it.

John had spent the last few nights at Nat's cottage with her; he was comfortable there with her, both physically and emotionally comfortable.

"Nat, get up, the alarms going off, we have to get ready for work" he told her as he shook her and got up out of bed, she didn't budge, he came out of the bathroom ten minutes later, showered and even shaved and she still wasn't up.

"Hey, you're gonna make us late, you've gotta get up" he told her and she rolled over to him.

"I can't believe how tired I am lately, I think you are wearing me out," she said as she got out of bed and felt dizzy, he saw her start to sway and he put out his arms and steadied her.

"Wow, that was weird," she told him as she felt better; he started to let go of her as she smiled.

"I guess I'm going to have to start taking more vitamins if you're going to be staying here every night" she told him joking, he smiled back and laughed.

"We both will," he told her as she gave him a quick kiss and went into the bathroom to get ready for work.

John and Nat went their separate ways at work, him to his office, her to the lab, sometime around ten o'clock her phone rang.

"Hello, yeah, hi Michael, whats going on? My blood work, what do you mean something funny? Why can't you just tell me over the phone, Okay, fine Michael what time should I come and see you, I have a lot of work today, can it wait till tomorrow, no? Okay how about five then after I'm done here, good. See ya then" she got off the phone with Michael and was a bit confused and curious, Michael said he needed to talk to her about her departmental blood work, that they found something; he said it wasn't anything serious but what could it be? She asked herself as she decided not to worry about it now, she went back to work, sometime around one o'clock John came into the Lab, he came up behind her while she was analyzing something, there was no one around and he put his arms around her from behind, he leaned his mouth to her ear.

"It's lunch time," he told her flirty, even those words coming from his mouth could make her weak in the knees.

"It is, is it? " she asked back flirty as he started to nibble on her neck.

"Johnnnnnnnnn, you need to stop, someone could walk in" she told him and he ignored her

"So what?" he said and she smiled as he tickled her with the hairs on his chin. She pulled out of his grip for a few minutes and then looked at him.

"Rodi's?" she asked

"No, its a nice day, lets get something quick from the diner and walk thru angel square with it" he told her and she smiled

Twenty minutes late they were walking thru Angel square, laughing, talking, having a great time.

"I can't believe this, you know, you and me, us, how open you make me, how free I feel with you, how much I feel now, you've done that for me" she told him as they walked holding hands, he smiled at her words, he turned towards her as they were walking.

"I Love that I could do that for you, I Love you" he said and she couldn't believe his words, did he just come out and tell her he loved her? She asked herself, she tried to find words but she couldn't, she would have loved to say those words back to him but... but although she was feeling them, feeling love for him, she couldn't bring herself to say it, if she did, if she said the words it would be to real, something might happen to him, to them.

"John, I... I think...I"

"I know, I know it's to soon. This is all new for you, and I didn't mean for it to put any pressure on you. It just kinda slipped out. I wasn't planning on telling you so soon, well at least confirming it so soon. I think we've been showing each other how we feel for the other for the past few days."

"I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm ready to say it out loud yet. If I do... than something bad might happen, to you, to us. I hope you understand, I need for this to go a bit slower, I don't want to ruin it. Can you understand that? Am I even making sense?" she told him getting a bit frustrated inside, she still couldn't chance it, chance everything she found with him by being able to say the words, tell him.

"I understand, and I won't say it again if it makes you uncomfortable" he told her and he pulled her close.

"Thank you" she told him and held on tight to him, a few tears came to her eyes, he felt them thru with shirt as she shed them. He pulled her back, and wiped them away.

"No need for them" he told her and they started to walk back towards the station.

It was almost five o'clock when Natalie grabbed her stuff and was heading out of the station, they had come back from lunch and had gotten busy doing there own things and she hadn't even had a chance to mention anything to him about going over to the hospital. She walked passed his office, she saw he wasn't there and she left him a note that she would call him later.

Natalie walked into the hospital and the nurse escorted her to an exam room, told her to change.

"What? Put this on? I'm just here to speak with Dr McBain about some blood work?"

"DR McBain said to have you change for an exam," the nurse told her and Natalie was now more confused than ever.

Ten minutes later she still hadn't changed, she was fully clothed and sat on the exam table waiting for Michael, he knocked first and then proceeded to come in.

"Natalie, didn't my nurse tell you to change?"

"Yeah, she told me to but I am unsure why so I didn't want to, whats this all about Michael, you are starting to scare me a bit"

"I guess there's no easy way to say this, but... but your blood work showed that you're pregnant."

"Excuse me?" she asked not believing what he had just said.

"You're pregnant Nat, change into the gown, I'll be right back and we'll see how far along you are" he told her as he started to leave the room.

'Michael... it's...it's impossible, I couldn't get pregnant, Chris and I... we... we tired for a long time," she told him and he saw the fear almost in her eye's, the vulnerability almost.

"Nat, it is possible, its more than possible, blood doesn't lie you should know that" he told her and excused himself for a few minutes.

Ten minutes later he was performing a quick ultrasound. Natalie was in shock; she lay on the table frozen. She couldn't form any words nor could she move, her thoughts were immobilizing her. Thoughts of the first time she was pregnant all those years ago. Thoughts of how pregnant she could possibly be, it had only been a few weeks of them being together, actually only about a week of them sleeping together how, how? She shook her head, it was the night, and it was the drunken night they spent together. She knew what Michael was going to say even before he said it.

"You're almost three months Nat, how didn't you know?" he told her and she got more confused

"I don't know Michael, things have been a mess lately, I've never been very regular, I just didn't"

"Any idea who the father is? And what are you going to tell my brother who seems to be goo-goo over you?" he asked her as he wiped the ultrasound gel off her stomach, she didn't answer him for a few minutes.

"I know who the father is and You can't tell John anything, I mean it Michael, nothing, I'm your patient and its against ethics"

"Natalie, you can't keep this a secret from him, all the guy does is talk about you, and you know how he feels, I know your not stupid, and... And well he's my brother, I was a bit against you and he starting anything at first but you seem to have proven you care for him and that it was different for you than the others, you have to tell him, its not fair, your having another mans baby, and then... then you have to tell that other man"

"Michael! I'll tell him alright, when I'm ready, I'm pretty upset about it myself, I'm a bit in shock and I'm afraid I might even lose this one too." she was a bit mad at his lecturing and carrying on, she let it slip, she said it to him, not to john but to another pain in the ass McBain.

'What does that mean Natty?" he asked and she shook her head.

"Nothing, go so I can get dressed, I need to think things over" she told him and he realized he wasn't being fair and that this wasn't right, he was her doctor at the moment and he shouldn't be talking to her as a friend or as John's brother even. He left the room, told her to see him outside for a prescription for prenatal vitamins, she nodded her head yes.

Ten minutes later Natalie was sneaking out of the room, she didn't want to see him again. She didn't want to see anyone. She wanted and needed to be alone.

Natalie got in her car and drove, no particular destination, she needed to think, to clear her head, and she just drove. Her insecurities rose again to the surface, her fears. Finding out she was pregnant, caused it all to come back, everything, it brought back the feelings, the pain even, she started to tear as she continued to drive.

Three hours later she was still driving, she was trying so hard to just focus on things but was still having a hard time doing so, just as she thought about it, about having a baby her mind went blank and she drove her car a bit faster.

It was now ten o'clock at night and she was just reentering Llanview. She had driven all the way to Ac and back, her cell phone had gone off a few times, she ignored it. She knew it was him, she knew he was probably worried but she couldn't deal with him right now, she couldn't speak to him right now. She finally pulled her car up to her cottage and went inside.

Natalie went up to bed; got her PJ's on and was about to go under the covers when she heard the banging on her door. She shook her head and she sighed.

'You did know he would come didn't you?' she asked herself sarcastically even. She knew he would be looking for her. She got under the covers anyway and tried to ignore the pounding on the door. She still just couldn't see him right now, how was she even going to act towards him, she couldn't tell him yet about being pregnant. There wasn't even any guarantee that she could or would stay pregnant.

She tried so desperately to ignore him, the banging, and the now calling out of her name. She got out of bed, walked down stairs, and decided she would have to do this. She would have to do what ever she had to just push him a way for a while. Just till she could focus, form a plan, be strong about this.

"Hey, I've been worried all night" he said as she opened the door for him, he immediately without hesitation walked into her house.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you," she told him almost choking on the words, almost allowing tears to come to her eyes. 'Don't do this Natty, don't cry, don't let him see you cry' that damn voice in her head was back; she shook it off as he spoke.

"Is everything alright? You don't look so good? Where were you all night, I thought we were going to have dinner?" he asked her all those questions as he noticed something wasn't right with her, something was different, he waited for her to answer, a few minutes passed before she did.

"I'm fine, just tired, I had some stuff to take care of tonight that's all" she answered him as she walked passed him, she didn't want him to look at her to much, look into her eye's or he might see, might see that she was trying so desperately to hide something from him, fear.

Natalie started walking around her living room straightening up for which he realized was a nervous habit, he walked over to her as she was picking something up and put his hand on hers over the item.

"Whats going on? I know there's something," he told her as she met his eyes.

"There's nothing"

"I don't believe you, where were you tonight?" he asked still not letting go of her hand

"I... I just needed a little time alone, that's all" she told him as his eye's were unraveling her, he was looking inside her and she was so afraid he would see it all of it, the truth.

"It's because I told you I loved you today isn't it?" he asked her softly and shyly. She shook her head no but he shook his head yes.

"It is isn't it? I knew I never should have said it, let it slip. Now you're retreating back behind your wall" he told her and she was feeling awful. Yes, his words of love today unnerved her. Yes she even would have loved more than anything to say those words back but ...but she couldn't chance it not yet and now with finding out she was going to have his baby...that she was now pregnant again after the last one ended so badly. She was back to being a mess, back to wanting to build up the wall again.

She didn't say a word for a few minutes, she just looked at him, she was hurting him, and she said she never wanted to hurt him, she felt so much for him yet she was hurting him. She took his hand, she held it, she looked into his eye's and she led him up to her bedroom.

John kicked off his shoes, and they got into bed together as he snuggled her back to his chest.

"Just hold me John," she told him as he did.


	20. Chapter 20

**ABC owns them**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

Somewhere in the middle of the night she started thrashing about, mumbling words over and over again.

"I can't do this again, I can't go thru this again. I can't," she said those words over and over for a good twenty minutes as he woke to them. He tried calming her down with pulling her closer but that didn't seem to work this time like it did in the cabin. He pulled his mouth close to her ear and tried whispering slowly into it that he was here and that everything was going to be all right when her words calmed a bit, they weren't completely gone. She still mumbled them as his hands from behind rested themselves on her stomach, she almost instantly calmed. He nuzzled his nose in her neck as he fell back to sleep.

"Hey, you're up early" he told her as he woke to see her sitting in the chair next to her bed; she was fully dressed and hadn't bothered to put the light on. He sat up in her bed and looked at her.

"What do you want to say?" he asked her, she just looked at him, how did he know she had something to say, something important to say.

"I... I...I have to go away for a while" she told him and he got out of bed, he walked over to her.

"Whats this about? Why?" he asked as he stared into her eyes.

"I just need to, things... us ... were moving to fast for me, I'm not comfortable with it, there's other stuff too, I just need some time, some space to maybe work things out, don't be mad" she told him and she got up from the chair, she brought her hand to his face, she smiled at him.

" You are too good for me John McBain," she told him

"No, I'm not I wish you would stop saying that" he told her as it felt like she was saying goodbye forever

"How long will you be gone?"

"Don't know," she said and he started to get a bit teary.

"Just stay, don't go, I won't say those words again, I promise," he told her and she smiled weakly

"I wish it was those words that were the problem," she told him and she kissed him gently on the cheek

"Lock up for me when you leave, I've already told my uncle I won't be around for a while" she said and she started walking out the door.

"Natalie... do--" he was starting to say as she walked out the door but he stopped, she was going, for what ever reason she was leaving and he only hoped she wouldn't stay away to long.

Two weeks later

"Hey Johnny, how are ya? You want to come hang out with me and Marcie tonight, maybe have some dinner?" Michael asked as he came into John's office at the station.

"Nope Mikey, not tonight, maybe another night okay?" he asked and Michael closed the door of John's office.

'You here from her yet?" he asked and John shook his head no

"You know where's she at?" he asked and John shook his head yes.

"AC, been there for the past few weeks"

"You got someone watching her?" Michael asked knowing the answer

"Yeah an old friend from the department" john answered as he and Michael looked at each other.

"Why don't you just go see her, you're miserable, the two of you have a lot to talk about" he said and John looked on confused.

'What?" john asked having a feeling Michael might know something he didn't.

"Just you look bad John, she's probably just as bad. The two of you need to talk, work this out, what ever it is out. You're both obviously in love with each other, just go, go see her," he told John covering his butt, hoping that if John went to her. He could get thru to her, get her to come back to Llanview.

"I'm fine Michael, and I can't go there to get her, to talk to her, she has to come to her own conclusion, she has to want to come back, for me, to me" he told him as he got up from his desk.

'I've got a lot of work Mikey, I'll call ya, Okay?" he told him and escorted him out the door. John returned back to his seat, he brought his hands to his face and held it as he closed his eyes tight, just hoping to see her face in his mind, to see her laugh in his mind.

"When the hell are you coming back Natalie, and why did you feel you needed to leave in the first place," he said out loud as he heard a small voice at his door.

"Hi John" Julia told him and he looked up from his hands and he smiled.

'Hey Julia how are you? " He asked her and the small girl smiled, he went over and bent down to her eye level.

"I good, me and mommy came to see uncle Bo, we gonna get pizza, pepperoni is my favorite" she told him and he smiled

'I remember" he said as he stood and saw Jessica walk in looking for Julia, she smiled at John.

"Julia could you go ask uncle Bo if he wants to come to lunch with us" Jessica asked Julia, the child waved goodbye to John and walked into the other room.

"How are you John?" Jessica asked

"Why does everyone keep asking me that, I'm fine?" he said as he walked away from her over to his desk.

"I don't know you very well. We haven't had the opportunity to get to know each other well but... but I know Natalie, she'll find what ever it is she is looking for. Whatever it is she is doing and when she does, she'll come back to us, to you. She loves us, she loves you, even if she never admits it out loud." she told him, he smiled weakly

"Just remember she does, cause I know its hard to sometimes but she hasn't had an easy time of things growing up and she hasn't even shared a lot of stuff of me that I suspect she's shared with you, she loves you John and she'll be back, I know she will"

"I know she loves me, even if she can't admit it. I just miss her, isn't that a bit funny? We haven't known each other that long and I feel as if my heart has been ripped out for the past two weeks that she has been gone." he told her and Julia ran into the room, saying she was hungry. Jess just smiled at John, they all said goodbye and they left.

AC

It had been two long weeks alone in a dingy hotel in AC, she came here to think, to process things and all she seem to be doing is torturing herself by being away from him, away from her family even. She had been thinking non-stop about the situation, about the baby growing inside her. She was a little over three months pregnant now, almost thru her first trimester, she was taking care of herself and the life growing inside her, but it didn't seem real to her. She was afraid for it to be real, to feel real, she was afraid to even feel anything. If she felt something and she lost it again, it would be ten times worse for her, even worse. This time she had things, this time the timing could even be right for having a baby, for having something to love... but... she couldn't let herself go there. She couldn't think about all the good things, couldn't bring herself to envision herself with a child, a baby, and with him.

Him... she thought another thing she wanted so desperately not to think about but how could she not, she was in love with him and she might have his child if things went well, if things didn't get messed up this time. If things were right this time.

She pulled out a piece of paper and her phone.

"Hey, its Natalie Buchanan, did you get the info I asked for?"

Two hours later Natalie was walking into a diner on the outskirts of Ac, she looked around, what a dive, she thought, and she looked back behind into the kitchen to see a man, he was doing dishes, he looked strung out, a junkie she thought, no she knew, she could tell, part of her job was to observe and she knew this sleaze ball was a junkie among other stuff.

"Chuck Harris" she called out to the Junkie behind in the kitchen doing dishes. The man looked up and smiled a bit.

"Yes, what can I help you with gorgeous?" he asked and she was repulsed with his very words.

"Nothing, nothing at all" she said as she walked out of the diner, she got in her car and drove toward the cemetery, she stopped first for flowers and walked up to there grave stones.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here in so long, I use to come here all the time to feel close to you," she said and she stopped, she placed the flowers down on the sites. She stood silent for a few minutes.

"I'm pregnant again, but you both already know that, not sure how this one is going to turn out, not sure how all of this is going to turn out, there's a guy, a good guy, he's helped me a lot, I think I L--, feel for him, but I just don't know how to express it, and... and I still have all this guilt, he's been trying to help me with that, he did help me with that but it didn't go completely away, being pregnant brought it back for me," she sat down on the grass, she started pulling up some grass, little bits of grass.

'Its so peaceful here isn't it? " She said as she just sat back in silence for a few minutes and looked around.

"Peace, I wish I could find peace, peace with myself for all that had happened to me back then, I wish you could help me find it, find it again like you did all those years ago, I wish you could give me a sign, anything that it's going to be okay." Natalie was crying, the wind started to blow for a few minutes but she didn't notice it. She felt the rain, soft, cooling rain but she didn't move, she sat there getting wet. She felt it wash over her, it was cool rain but somehow, someway it warmed her. She heard the thunder, she didn't flinch, she sat, she heard it again, it was getting closer, but she didn't move. She saw the lightening, the bolt not that far away and it was as if she was seeing them in it. The two of them, and they were smiling, she stood, she heard the last crackle of thunder, she felt the rain begin to stop.

"I love both of you" she said as she started to walk away from their graves, she got in her car, she started to drive, home, she drove as she came into another storm, a thunderstorm and she wasn't afraid.

Llanview

"No Michael I'm fine, yes I'm fine, I had dinner at the diner and now I'm just finishing up paperwork, could you please stop being such a mother? Good bye Michael, talk to you tomorrow I have work" John said as he hung up the phone in his office. He was sitting at his desk and he twisted the chair away from the desk a bit. He put his elbows on his knees and held his face in his hands. He took a deep breath in and after a few minutes he sat up straight and looked instantly to his office door. There she was, he shook his head, was it really her? Was she back?

"Long day?" she asked as she slowly walked into his office, she saw him stand but not move, she wondered how this was going to play out, he was a patient man but... but was the time she was away, was that to much to ask. The awkward silence went on for almost five minutes as they studied each other.

She was here; he said to himself inside, she was back. Two long weeks, the longest weeks of his life and she was now standing in front of him. She was a mess, her hair was all damp looking and knotted, her clothes seem to also be wet but she was the most beautiful mess he had ever laid eyes on, she always was.

"When did you get back?" he asked her after a few more minutes.

"Just now" she told him as she moved a bit closer, he still stood in his spot, his ground, he knew she needed to be the one to come to him, she was the one that left, she needed to be the one to come back.

"You look like you've been in a storm?" he told her and she smiled a bit.

"I have, the most beautiful thunderstorm of my life," she answered and he grinned a bit, he didn't know why, her words just made him grin. She took another step closer to him, she was close this time, standing within a few feet from him, more silence came as they could each just about feel the others heat.

"A beautiful thunderstorm Huh?" he asked and she shook her head

"Not afraid anymore, ... of the storms" he asked her as he watched her mouth and then stared into her eye's looking inside.

"I'm still afraid," she told him and he let out a disappointed breath, he broke eye contact and started to walk away a bit when she grabbed his hand before he walked to far.

"But... I'm not going to let it run me. I'm not going to run and hide. I'm still scared John, but... but not so much when I'm with you, I barely feel it when I'm with you" she told him and he closed his eye's. She was back, he told himself excited inside, he grinned with closed eyes and then opened them, and she was grinning to. She started to close the distance between them and he stopped her for a minute. She got a confused look on her face as he walked away from her.


	21. Chapter 21 Smut

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**Chapter 21**

"John" she said as he walked closer to the door, she was getting a bit concerned that he was going to walk right outside of it, walk away, she saw him turn the blinds, lock the door, and then she smiled wide as he moved quickly towards her and claimed her mouth for his own.

Over and over they took each other's lips, mouths, and even tongues as they kissed so intently, as if never kissing before, as if making up for lost time. He started to walk her backwards towards his desk; he shoved all the stuff on top of it to the floor. He laid her back on it as he came upon her. She broke the hold his mouth had on hers so she could get a few words out.

"John... I think we should talk first, its important" she told him and he ignored her, he continued his claim on her lips and his claiming of her body as his lips started journeying down her neck.

"This is important, everything else can wait," he told her as he started to make love to her on his desk. Ten minutes later after they both shed the other of their clothes, they were laying naked on his desk, kissing, enjoying, pleasuring the other when there was a knock on his office door.

"Johnny, I Know your in there, open the door" Michael screamed into the door

"Go away Michael" John screamed back out to him as he stopped kissing her breasts for a second.

"No, I'm not, I know you're a bit depressed with her being gone, I'm not leaving you alone to wallow in it" he told him thru the door as he tried to turn the knob

"Goodbye Michael" john yelled out as he saw her smile a bit from underneath him on the desk, he kissed her lips and again started to run his mouth down her neck to her breasts, her nipples, he started to tease one as they heard him again.

"John...open the door"

"John" John ignored him again, and continued to take a hold of her breast in his mouth

"For Christ's sake Michael he's busy, now go away," she screamed out to Michael as John's tongue started its torture actions on her nipple, and his hand found its way to her center.

"Natalie... Oh. My. God." Michael said shocked, stunned but he didn't move.

"Go Michael" she said and then she let out a small whimper as John pushed his fingers inside her.

"Okay...okay... I'm going, gone, see ya, continue what you were doing... I...mean..."

Natalie laughed at Michael and his awkwardness, John could feel her laughter on his hand, his fingers; he brought his mouth up to hers and started kissing her deeply. He could feel she was close. He could feel her starting to pulsate on his hand when he removed it. He pulled himself up on her and entered her. They looked into each other's eyes and he drove into her gently over and over till he shed all that he had inside for her. Till she pulled all that he had inside for her out of him, till she met his with hers.

John stood up after letting himself go limp inside her, he stood bringing her with him, they gathered their clothes and couldn't keep the smiles off their faces. She started to put back on her blouse as he came over and helped her to button it, coping a feel on her breasts as he did.

"Didn't you just get enough?" she asked him as she felt him touch her breasts more as she started to put her pants back on.

"We have lost time to make up for," he told her and she smiled.

" Yeah, I guess we do, but... but we have to talk first" she told him as he started putting his shirt on and she helped him.

"Yeah, I guess we do don't we" he told her and she nodded yes.

"How about an hour on the roof?" she asked him and he smiled

"An hour" he told her and kissed her as she turned to leave, she turned back before she unlocked the door

"John...I missed you," she told him and he smiled

"Me too" he said and she was out the door.

An hour later Natalie stood on the roof of the angel square hotel. It was a nice night out, a bit chilly, but the cold never seemed to bother her. She looked around, the lights; she had put up strings of lights for them, for him. She wanted this to be a bit special, so when she told him the two very important things that she had to say to him, she wanted him to know that she meant them. That this would be something they remembered for a long time, forever even.

Natalie was still waiting; it had been almost an hour when she smiled to herself as she touched her stomach. She was hesitant for a second when she realized in Ac how much she wanted his baby, how much she wanted to have his baby even. For a split second she wondered if he would even want to be a father, but she knew the answer to that. He would be happy about this, she just knew he would. She continued to touch her belly caught up in thought; she didn't even realize the door opened.

"This is right, its right with John, he's going to love you and so will I" she said as she looked down at her stomach, " I love him so much, I can say it now" she said and she heard a voice from behind, an angry voice.

"What did you just say?" Chris asked her in an elevated tone.

Natalie turned when she heard a mans voice, it wasn't john, it was Chris and he must have over heard what she had just said out loud for his face was the red and his eye's were wide.

"What are you doing up her Chris?" she asked him and he didn't answer

"Did you just say you loved him, John McBain? Did I hear you correct, it almost sounded like you were talking to your stomach, Natalie! Are you having his baby?" Chris asked as he walked closer to her, Natalie saw something in his eye's, she feared it all of a sudden, she feared him. She backed up and tried to maneuver herself passed him towards the door leading down stairs but she couldn't, he wouldn't let her pass. He stood in front of her and she stared into his cold brown eyes as his harsh words came.

"I can't believe what a whore you are! I can't believe I wasted so much time trying to get you to say those words to me and you just say them to him! A man you barely know, you are such a Whore!" he told her as he grabbed hold of one of her arms. She tried to pull out of his grip and she slapped him in his face.

"I could never love you, you weren't the right one, you couldn't even give me a child you, you limp son of a bitch, let go of me"

John was walking up the stairs to the roof, he was running a few minutes late cause he had stopped to buy her flowers, he was smiling and humming and couldn't believe she was back, she came back, they had made love on his desk and now she wanted to talk. He could barely be away from her this pasted hour when he opened the door to the roof; he noticed lights strung all around and his smile widened.

'Natalie, honey where are you?" he called out for her as he took two steps towards the back of the roof and he saw her, she was lying on the ground, she wasn't moving or a wake.


	22. Chapter 22

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**Chapter 22**

John leaned down, checked her pulse first, and then pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Michael are you home? I'm... on the roof, Natalie, come right now," John told Michael after he said he was just downstairs in his apartment. He grabbed her hand and held it tight; he started to speak to her softly as he used his other hand to brush the hair from her face.

"Michael's just downstairs, you'll be alright, I won't let anything happen to you," he told her as he heard the door open and Michael run out onto the roof.

"John, what happened?" Mikey asked as he bent down next to her, Michael checked her pulse and it was fine, he looked her over, she was all banged up.

"John did you call an ambulance? Call one, right now" he told John and john was a bit frozen for a minute. "Now john" he told him again and john stood up and moved a few feet away as he called for the ambulance.

"Angel Square hotel, we... need an ambulance, Hurry" John spoke into the phone out of breath, out of air. He was starting to lose it as he watched Michael started to move her clothes away to look for signs of injuries. He had to look away for a moment; he couldn't look; what if there was something really wrong? What the hell happened to her tonight and who was responsible? He asked himself as he heard the EMT's rushing up the stairs; he walked over to the door and held it open for them.

"She has a good pulse but she's bruised bad, I'm a Dr at the hospital. We need to transport her there ASAP, she might have internal bleeding I'm unaware of." he told the EMT's as they started to get there stuff to transport Natalie to the hospital.

John watched them and he was still in his own world, she was hurt, he was so happy when she came back tonight, when they made love in his office, even when she said she wanted to talk, how could this night end so badly. Michael approached John for a minute as the EMT's started to load Natalie on the gurney for transport.

"John, she's still breathing and her pulse is good. What ever happen-" Michael cut off his own words as he saw one of the EMT's fastening the strap of the gurney around her stomach, around the baby and the man was pulling on it to tight, Michael automatically without thinking called over to the man and quickly ran over the few feet to Natalie.

"NO, its to tight, loosen it she's pregnant" Michael told the EMT abruptly. The EMT automatically loosened the strap and Michael looked at his brother's face. She hadn't told him yet, he could tell by the look on his face. The EMT's started moving the gurney towards the door as Michael started walking behind it passing John who was still standing there going over Michaels words in his mind.

"Pregnant Mikey?" he asked softly almost a whisper as he looked into his brothers eye's as he passed, Michael just nodded yes as he followed behind the gurney out to the ambulance.

John continued to stand frozen for a few seconds, she was pregnant, and now she was hurt, someone hurt her, he shook his head that will all have to wait till I make sure she's all right. He told himself as he quickly left the roof and followed behind the ambulance to the hospital.

John ran into the hospital just in time to see Mikey helping to push her into an exam room, he ran up to him frantically almost. John tried going in behind them when Michael stopped him.

"John, wait out here I need to examine her"

"No, Mikey, I need to be in there with her"

"John, trust me Please, I won't let a anything happen to her" he told John and he saw his face, he saw the fear of losing her and even the confusion of her being pregnant wash over him.

"Michael, please, please take care of her, you know how much I l--"

John was telling Michael as Michael cut off his words.

"I know John, she knows too," he told him and he left john in the hall as he attended to Natalie.

Ten minutes later John was still waiting for Michael to come out with news on Natalie when her family started arriving, Bo walked over to him with Jessica, and a woman he had yet to meet but he knew from pictures was her mom.

"John, what happened to my sister and when did she get back?" Jessica asked and he couldn't form any words, none, he was speechless; his emotions were running all over him. He finally was able to form something understandable

"I don't know, she just got back to town a few hours ago, we were suppose to talk on the roof at the hotel and when I got there... she was on the ground, I think someone beat her up" he said as he turned to Bo.

"Can you get a few men to go over there and see what they can come up with, if there's anyone that saw anything, or do you want me to do it?" he asked Bo and Bo nodded that he would do it.

"I'm sorry LT. McBain but we've never been introduced, I'm Vicky Davidson, Natalie's mother," she told him and he smiled weakly

"It's nice to meet you ma'am, Natalie talks about you all the time, and please call me John" he told her and he shook her hand.

"Call me Vicky and although I wish I could say she talks about you all the time I can't. Its Jessica who relays the messages to me about whats going on with you and she, and from what Jess tells me you seem like a pretty good guy for my girl. I had noticed a change in her lately up till the past two weeks and now I can see why, you really seem to care for her a lot, thank you"

"No need to thank me" he finished saying to her when they all looked to see Michael walk out of the examination room.

"Michael how is she?" John asked first as he walked the fastest to him, followed by jess, and Vicky.

"She's still hasn't woken but everything looks good with her, we have to still run a few tests on her and ...and... Well a few more tests just to make sure everything is alright." Michael told everyone, he got a bit tongue tied and almost revealed to everyone about the baby, but he caught himself.

"Dr. McBain, what aren't you telling us? And what exactly happened to her?" Vicky asked of Michael

"Ms. Davidson I'm telling you everything I know as of now, and it appears she was beat up. Had some type of altercation, she has bruising on her arms, wrists and her legs, she also has a few bruises on and around her abdomen." he told them and John shook for a minute. Her abdomen, the baby, he thought as he also thought about the other areas of bruising. His cop instincts were starting to kick in and he had more questions.

"Michael can I speak to you alone for a minute?" he asked and they moved away from her family so they wouldn't hear.

"Michael, her thighs, was there any bruising on her thighs? Any signs of... of..."

"No John, no signs of rape at all, just beat up and by someone who knew how to throw a punch. This was no street fighter, this guy or gal I guess knows how to land a punch." he told him and John was relieved for a few minutes till he heard Michael say about someone knowing how to throw a punch. He shook it off for the moment; he had more important questions to ask. To concentrate on.

"The baby?" he asked softly almost afraid to know, afraid to ask.

"I don't know John. I'm sorry she didn't get the chance to tell you herself, I know it would've been hard for the two of you, particularly you maybe raising someone else's child but I think that the two of you probably could've done it"

"What?" he asked Michael confused, Michael again realized he opened up his mouth when he shouldn't have but he had to tell him now.

"I'm sorry John, she didn't want me to tell you but... but she's over three months pregnant. I'm sorry if I had you believing it was yours when you heard me tell the EMT's. I should have clarified right then and there but it was more important to make sure she was alright.' he said and John stood frozen, three months ago. He met her at the bar, they went at it all night, they never used anything, he smiled briefly, and then they saw a nurse walk over to Michael.

"Dr. McBain, Ms. Buchanan is awake and she isn't happy about being here in the hospital" she told Michael and he started to walk away toward her room, John followed very closely behind and walked into the room behind him, before he was all the way in he turned to John.

"You have to wait outside" he told him and john shook his head no.

"Not a chance Michael" he told him and was about to say something else about him leaving as they heard her voice, although weak they heard it loud and clear.

"Either you let him in here or I'll go out into the hall to be with him" she said a bit stern and Michael and John returned grins as he motioned for John to walk in first.

John went without hesitation to her in the bed, she looked a mess, her face was bruised, and she looked as if she ached all over.

"Hey, you're awake. You worried me" he told her, she smiled weakly

"Christian" she said and he was a bit confused.

"You need to put out an arrest warrant for him, he did this to me" she told him and he stared into her eye's, her still beautiful perfect blue eye's.

"What? Your Ex? Why?" he asked her getting mad, extremely mad, he even stood after a few minutes went by and she didn't answer his question.

"He... he showed up on the roof, I... Michael how is my baby, how is our baby?" she asked, she knew he had to have already known. She reached for John's hand and he gave it to her, he gently intertwined the fingers and he looked into her eye's.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before I left, I was afraid, I needed to sort thru it" she told him and they stared for a few seconds till Michael spoke.

"I have a nurse bringing down the ultrasound machine and then we need to watch you over night, I'll also have to do a few stress tests to see if your baby is in any trouble Nat" he told her and she looked at him a bit sternly.

"Its our baby Michael, mine and John's" she told him and John squeezed her hand tighter, they all saw the nurse walk in with the ultrasound machine.

"I need to tell your uncle about Chris. I'll be right back in when you're ready," he told her and he kissed her quickly on the lips. He walked out and over to Bo, spoke with him for a minute and was about to walk into the room when Michael came out for a moment before the ultrasound; he took John on the side.

"John, you do realize its not your baby right, not really anyways and when the guy, the real dad finds out she's pregnant, I just don't want to see you get hurt" he told him and John laughed a bit, not a full laugh cause they were still unsure if everything was alright with their baby.

'Michael, I won't be getting hurt, trust me, the baby that Natalie's carrying is mine. Its impossible for it not to be" he told Michael and it was impossible. They were too drunk the first few times to even consider protection. She had also told him one night when he was staying at her place that she hadn't been with anyone in a few months prior to their encounter that night.

"John you make no sense"

"Michael, mom really did waste good money on your education didn't she?" he said Laughing. Michael was still confused.

"Okay, I'm going to just say this and only once. It's my baby cause Natalie and I had wild monkey sex all night long over three months ago when we were both drunk off our ass'. So you understand now, we didn't just meet here in Llanview that was coincidence," he told him and Michael laughed at his terms. So did Jessica as she approached them just in time to hear John's declaration.

" Are you sure it was coincidence and not fate?" she asked and John got tongue tied, not entirely by her words but that she had just overheard what he said abut monkey sex.

"I... we..." John started to say but couldn't get the words out

"My sisters pregnant?" she asked as she turned to Michael, he nodded yes. " And the baby? Is she or he alright?"

"Not sure, need her to have some tests and stay for observation" Michael told her

"Well what the hell are you doing out here, get in there and find out if my sisters baby is alright"


	23. Chapter 23

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**Chapter 23**

"Hey, you're all set" Michael asked as he and John walked back into her room, John went along side her in a chair and didn't say a word, he just took her hand and held it as she nodded to Michael that she was ready for the ultrasound. John stared into her eyes and he saw how nervous she was, how upsetting this was, she needed for the baby to be all right, for their baby to be all right. He knew this was bringing up bad memories, the memories of the first time she was pregnant, a young girl alone at fifteen and pregnant by some jerk who didn't love her. But not this time.

John leaned into her ear just as Michael was about to start moving the wand on her belly. John spoke softly and he hoped to ease the fears she was having.

"There's nothing to be afraid of this time, it's going to be fine, it was all wrong last time but this time its right and our baby will be fine" he told her as he stole a quick kiss as he saw her become teary. Michael cleared his throat to get their attention. He moved the wand around, and around, pointing out things, showing them things that were next to impossible to see clear,

"Remember you are only three months things aren't visible yet, don't get upset by it" he told them and then he took a few minutes, he hooked up the sound on the machine and in a matter of seconds John and Natalie both smiled wide as they heard the sweet sound of their baby's heartbeat.

"Oh, My, Gosh. It sounds strong Michael, it does? Doesn't it?" she asked excited at first but then a bit hesitant to get excited about it being okay.

"It's strong Nat, it sounds good, but we still need to observe you and the baby at least over night, we still need to make sure" Michael told her and she smiled weakly, she still had John's hand and she squeezed it.

"See I told you everything's going to be alright this time, its right, you and I, we're right" John told her as he leaned down to her an gave her a small kiss, he brought his forehead to hers and they stayed like that for a few minutes. Michael quietly excused himself and told them he'd be back in a few minutes.

After a few minutes of silence and closed eye's even, they parted their heads, john moved himself back for a minute, and he saw the tears starting to fall down her cheeks, he took his hand and wiped them away.

"Are you in any pain? Do you want me to get Michael?" he asked her

"No, I'm not in any pain, they gave me something that wouldn't hurt the baby, I'm...I'm just sorry" she told him and he was confused.

"Why are you sorry? You have no reason to be sorry" he asked her as a few more tears fell.

"Cause this is my fault, I couldn't bring myself to tell you and because of that, this happened, I could've lost our baby, I still might" she told him and he was still a bit confused till he thought about it.

"It's not your fault, never say this is your fault," he told her

"I just wanted it to be special for you. You've done so much for me, got me to open up, I feel free with you, and you love me. I just wanted it to be special for you when I finally told you" she told him and he got off the chair a bit, he leaned closer to her on the bed.

"The words alone will be what makes it special, tell me now" he told her and she wiped a few of her own tears off her face.

"I set up the roof ... I wanted to tell you... for you to know... I love you John..." she said and she smiled, " I really Love you and I'm able to tell you" she told him and he smiled back, he reached in and they kissed for a few minutes. After a few minutes he pulled back his lips.

"I love you so much too," he told her and they stood like that for a few minutes.

"Are you happy I'm having your baby?" she asked a bit insecure although she never really doubted he would not like the idea, she just was feeling more insecure tonight with all that had happened.

"Are you kidding, of course I'm happy, Honestly I'm a bit in shock still but... I Love you so much how could I not be happy that your giving me a child, that we even made a child" he told her, her smile was getting bigger

"That night it wasn't a mistake john, it wasn't, it was a gift, we got a gift from it, I just hope we don't... we don't lose our gift" she told him in more tears, he grabbed her gently not to hurt her more with his touch and held her.

"Natalie, even if, which I know isn't going to happen, but even if we were to lose the baby, that wasn't the only gift that night, we were a gift to each other, and we didn't even know it" he told her also getting emotional now, he was also crying.

"That's one of the reasons I think I love you so much, you just have a way of making me feel better' she told him as they held each other for a few minutes. After a few minutes they pulled apart when they heard someone clear their throat, they looked to see Bo standing there.

"You need my statement" Natalie told him and he smiled

"Yeah, but that can wait if your not up to it, I just really wanted to check on my girl, see how you are" he told her as John moved away from Nat and the bed, he walked to the back of the room as Bo took his place next to her.

"I'm good, lets get my statement over with alright, then I'll have to concentrate on relaxing so it doesn't affect my baby" she told him and he smiled

"I thought I heard something about that floating around the family a few minutes ago, you know they are anxious to see you?"

"I know they are, in a few minute now for my statement... I think... John. Maybe you should leave the room" she turned toward John standing in the back when she told him. He shook his head no, she didn't insist, she started with the story.

"I was waiting for John on the roof of the angel square hotel, Chris approached me after hearing me say a few words out loud and he got mad"

"What did he hear you say Natalie, what would make him get so mad to beat you up?" John asked from the back of the room, he came closer to her, to Bo even, she didn't want to say, she didn't want him to know, she didn't want him to go and do anything or be upset by it. She didn't speak for a few minutes.

"Natalie, it'll be all right, I promise, trust me" John told her and she took a deep breath.

"I was talking to my stomach... I said I was going to tell you, John, tonight how much I loved you...he flipped out. We got into a fight, he called me a few names again, he was mad cause I loved you, and I could tell you after only knowing you a short time. He figured out I was carrying your baby, I said some hurtful words too, and then he started pushing me around," she said and she looked at his face, John's. He was red, he started pacing the room frantically, he was so trying to hold it together in front of her, and she knew that.

Natalie watched him pace the room, she continued telling her story of how and what Chris did. The yelling, the throwing her to the ground the, the punching her and then she got to one part, a part in the story that she didn't even want to recall. She didn't want to tell them cause she knew it would put John over the edge, she tried to dance around it, but she couldn't.

"Natalie... is that all? We need everything if we want him to go away for this, I already have him locked up, we need to make sure he stays that way" Bo told her and she looked at John, he would find out one way or another wouldn't he? he probably already suspected.

"He tried to land a punch in my stomach, purposely, I was on the ground already and I turned so it didn't land completely, he was trying to hurt my baby. I saw it in his eye's." she told them and she looked at John. He walked over to her quickly, he had to see them, the bruises to her stomach, to his child even, the one's that bastard used to try and kill their child. He moved her sheet that was covering her away, he pushed the hospital gown she was wearing to the side a bit and he saw them, large round purple bruises, he put her gown back in it's place, he placed the sheet back over her, he kissed her quickly with his fists hard and tight

,"I'll be back, don't worry" he told her and he quickly and angrily walked out of the door

"John... John..." she called out to him but she knew he wouldn't answer her or come back, she turned to her uncle.

"Please, just make sure he doesn't go to far" she told him and he nodded his head, he kissed her cheek and told her he'd send the family in as he left to make sure John didn't do anything stupid, or at least to make sure he didn't go to far.

John was enraged, beyond mad, beyond angry, that son of a bitch Christian Vega, not only did he hurt her on purpose but he purposely tried to hurt their baby, he saw red as he walked into the police station, saw nothing in front of him but his anger, he walked quickly to the holding cells.

"Leave us alone" he told the guard as the guard looked between Chris Vega in the cell and his superior officer, the guard know what was going on, he wasn't stupid, this was a small town.

"Is she alright?" the guard asked John.

"Yeah, leave now" he told the guard; John took his hand and placed it out to the guard. The guard knew what he wanted he reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys to the cells, he placed them on John's open hand and walked out of the area, closing the door to the holding tank when he left.

John walked over to Chris's cell calmly reeling inside. He started opening the lock.

"What the hell are you doing?" Chris asked and John didn't answer, he continued to open the lock, john entered the cell and grabbed him by the collar.

"You like to use your fists on pregnant women? On Natalie, lets see those fists now"


	24. Chapter 24

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**Chapter 24**

"You like to use your fists on pregnant women? On Natalie? Lets see those fists now" With that John slammed his fist into Cris's jaw, hard. Aiming another punch at Cris's stomach John pulled back and swung again.

Cris ducked the punch and spun away, using his ability as a boxer to avoid the punch. But John's rage couldn't be contained, "You fuckin grease ball! How could you? What kind of man beats up on a pregnant woman!" When Cris made no move to attack John said, "Come on hit me you rat bastard or can you only beat up on helpless women?"

With that last comment Cris took a swing at John, and missed. John taunted him further, "What's the matter can't hit me you impotent little worm?" Again Cris took a swing and missed.

Cris was now very angry as well and said, "She couldn't have my baby, I wanted to make sure she didn't have yours either!"

John heard those words and flashed back to the bruises he had seen on Natalie's stomach. Rage the likes of which he had never known filled him and he jumped at Cris, dragging him to the floor. Swinging again and again he punched Cris in the face. He was oblivious to Cris's attempts to dislodge him and he felt no pain from Cris's defensive blows.

Bo ran into the room and saw John on top of Cris. John was pummeling the other man violently. Bo knew he had to get John out of there before he killed him so he raced to the door and called for help.

When Natalie had told him Bo to make sure John didn't go to far, he knew exactly what she was talking about, he knew exactly where John would go, he would have done the same given the chance. But John couldn't throw his life away over this. Killing Cris would only take John away from Natalie. As the word got around, seconds after Bo entered the room himself almost the entire station crowded into the room to see McBain avenge Natalie, who was loved by all.

"John! Stop!" Bo shouted as he tore open the cell door. But John ignored him hitting Cris again, blood spattered from Cris's nose and got on John but he didn't care. His blood was on fire with the need to inflict pain on the man who hurt his woman.

Bo knew he had to stop this, now! It took him plus 3 other guys to pull John off Cris. They dragged him out of the cell and away from the badly beaten Cris. "John! Enough!" Bo shouted in John's face and this time John heard him. He blinked as the red haze of rage lifted and he looked around.

John finally looked at Bo and said, "He deserved it." John looked again at Cris, still lying on the floor all bloody and unconscious and said, "I should have killed him. That's what he deserves!"

Bo who had already called for medical help for Cris told John, "Yeah he deserves it, but Natalie doesn't. She needs you here and not in jail."

John nodded getting himself back under control. He was still furious but his need to be with Natalie overrode the anger he was feeling. So when Bo told him to leave and take care of Natalie he did.

John made his way to back to the hospital. He was trying so hard to catch his breath; he could have killed that son of a bitch tonight. If Bo wasn't there to pull him off of him he might have. He stood still for a few minutes. As he entered the hospital and came near the door to her room, he closed his eyes briefly and counted to ten. He needed to be calm for her; he didn't want her to worry, not about this or anything else. She just needed to take care of herself and their baby that was growing inside of her. He was about to head into her room when he heard Michaels voice.

"Hey, she was just looking for you a few minutes ago, her family's in with her now, what happened to your hand?" he asked as he noticed John's fist was banged up and a bit bloody, John himself had forgotten all about it, he didn't even feel the pain, not over the anger he was still feeling for Christian Vega.

'Its nothing Mikey"

"It looks like something, what happened, or do I not want to know?' he asked John.

"You don't want to know, did you say her family is in there with her? All of them?" he asked as he tried to look in thru the glass in the door but he couldn't see there was obviously someone standing in front of the door.

"Yeah, the whole bunch of them, too many of them to be exact, I tried several times to get some of them out but Mr. Buchanan, her Grandfather keeps threatening me, you haven't met him yet have you?" Mikey asked John and john shook no.

"Oh, this should be fun then, Asa, her grandfather he's a bit intimidating, wait till he finds out about the wild monkey sex" Michael said laughing a bit, John however was getting a bit nervous and wasn't breaking a smile.

"If you're done with the jokes Mikey, how is she, how's the baby?' he asked and Michael smiled.

"There both doing good so far, I think they'll both be alright, they have you," he said and john smiled weakly for a moment.

"What is it John?" Michael asked at seeing his face

"She might get mad if I tell you, its a bit private and she... well... she's Natalie but she lost a baby once when she was younger, will that, does that make a " John told him, actually trying to ask if that was going to make a difference with her not losing this one.

"John, that has nothing to do with that one and actually... she told us about it earlier when the OBG came down" Michael told him and he smiled

"Yeah? Really? She just told someone else, opened up like that," he said a bit proud of her, not only did she let him in, and completely now but she was actually able to talk to others about something painful in her past.

"Yeah, really she did, now you better get in there and explain to the powerful and intimidating Asa Buchanan how you got his granddaughter pregnant, and... If I were you...I'd leave out the terms monkey sex... " Michael told him and he shook his head and laughed as he walked away.

"Very funny Mikey, very funny" John called out after him smiling as he took a breath and opened the door to her room. Entering into a room full of her family, most he had never met before.

John walked in and everyone turned to see who was entering, to see him, he looked around quickly, at least ten people in the room he didn't recognize, a few he did, Jess and Nash, her Mom Mrs. Davidson. After a quick glance his eye's rested on hers, she smiled as he walked passed everyone who were staring at him and he moved close to her, she put her hand out for him and he took it shyly.

"Was wondering when you would be getting back" she told him as she leaned up for a quick kiss, he nervously leaned in and kissed her as Asa moved forward and cleared his throat loudly.

"So son, I think you and the Buchanan men need to have a talk," Asa said and John looked at him.

"No, not today Grandpa, No" Natalie said shaking her head.

"I'm not going to do anything little lady, don't worry" he told her back as Clint stepped forward.

"No, Pa, another day, lets leave it alone tonight. Lets all leave so Natalie can get some rest. When she's all healed and we know the baby will be alright we can all sit down with Lt. McBain and have a nice chat" Clint told Asa, and then looked at John. Although none of them, other than Jess and Vicky met him, they all knew about him, and that he was Natalie's baby's father. His last words were for John's benefit, making him aware that there would be some type of talking coming up soon between the Buchanan men and him.

"Fine, don't leave town son, it just makes me more angry if I have to pay someone to track you down." Asa told him, and Natalie made a face.

"Grandpa!" she said getting annoyed, he went over to her kissed her cheek.

"Stay well little lady" he told her and he walked over to John, put out his hand to shake which told john by surprise, John shook his hand firmly and strongly.

"Asa Buchanan don't forget it" he said as he shook his hand, " damn strong shake son" he said as he walked out the door, one by one they came over to Natalie kissed her cheek and then introduced themselves to John.

When everyone was finally gone John settled in the chair next to her bed, he took her hand again, and studied her eye's.

'Michael says you're doing just fine, both of you" he said and she smiled a bit.

" I think you need some sleep thou, he said as he reached his other hand to push a piece of hair from her eye's. He hadn't realized it was the hand that he hurt beating the pulp out of Chris.

"Oh.My.God. John, you're hurt" she said excitedly, she stared to move up on the bed to sit up more.

"I'm alright, lay back down, lets get some sleep," he told her as he guided her to lay down.

"John... what happened? Did you? You saw Chris didn't you?" she asked and he nodded yes.

"You didn't ... I mean... did you hurt him bad, do I have to worry about them taking you away now" she asked and he didn't respond for a minute. He moved into the bed with her, he laid her across his chest and got her comfortable without words.

"You don't need to worry about anything but taking care of yourself and our baby," he told her as he wrapped his arms around her and his hands came upon her stomach.


	25. Chapter 25

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**Chapter 25**

John woke to a nurse in the room taking Natalie's pulse, Nat was still very much asleep, and he gently not to wake her took his arm out from under where she was resting on it. He motioned to the nurse that he would be right back as he left the room to go get some coffee.

John closed the door behind him and he turned briefly to look thru the window on the door and see her still asleep. He sighed as he stepped close to the wall leaning against it and closed his eyes.

He breathed in and out a few times just relaxing, just trying to figure out what was next for them, for all three of them. He knew what it was he wanted to be next for them, he loved her and even the baby growing inside her, he would marry her without even blinking but... but he worried that might be something she didn't want, maybe not now, maybe not ever even. He stood there for a few more minutes trying to figure out how to play this out. Did he ask her to marry him, did he ask her to live with him, would these things push her away? Although she was really being pretty open about things, not just to him but to everyone, but...he was still so confused. He stood from the wall, looked back inside the room again thru the window, he saw she was awake; he forgot about his coffee and went back into the room.

"Hey, you're up" he said as he entered the room and the nurse exited it.

"Yeah, just woke," she told him as he came forward to sit next to her.

"The nurse said Michael will come in, in a few, but everything looks good, I should be able to go home sometime today" she told him and he smiled, she saw the look on his face, something was on his mind.

"What is it?" she asked and she saw him look taken back a bit, he didn't expect her to pick up on what he was contemplating inside.

"John, I know there is something you want to tell me or ask or get off your chest, what is it?" she told him and he decided they should talk about it.

"We need to talk," he said as she pulled her hand that he was holding out of his reach, he looked at her, her first response was to hide, but then she softened a bit. She placed her hand on top of his.

"I'm sorry, usually when you hear those words it means something bad, what do we need to talk about" she told him and he smiled at her, she smiled back as he intertwined there fingers

"The baby... you...me... us, what happens next. How do we go about things, life? What do you want to do about things, about us and our baby? Do you wanna get married, and be a family, do you want to just raise him or her jointly or --"he was talking, asking his questions so fast, her head was spinning, she cut off his last word.

"I want a family for my child, our child" she said as he reached in before as she barely finished the words and he kissed her deeply, catching her by surprise

"Good, that's settled then, we get married and raise our child together maybe have a few more" he said and she shook her head no.

"What?" he asked her

"John I never said anything about getting married, not right away anyways" she told him and he was taken back a bit. No. Taken back a lot.

"What are you talking about? We love each other, we're having a baby, we should get married and before the baby comes along to" he said and she looked at him all serious like.

"We do love each other, and we are having a baby, but... we haven't known each other that long, we need to make sure. I can't go thru another messy divorce again," she told him and he looked away from her for a minute. He was feeling a bit hurt.

"John, look at me, look. I just want us to make one hundred percent sure, okay? I know I love you, I know you love me, but we just need to make sure we can stand the little things, like the everyday things. Those annoying things, traits that people have that drive the other crazy" she told him and he softened a bit again

"Well...how do we go about figuring it out?" he told her and she smiled, she knew what he was getting at.

"You can move in with me," she told him; she asked actually, his smile got bigger.

"Yeah," he said flirty and she nodded her head

"And then when things seem right when we know we can do this, hell when we even get to know each other better, then we can get married, you do remember we haven't known each other that long?" she asked the last question and he nodded.

"So is that a yes, cause I didn't hear you" she told him joking,

"Yes" he said and he kissed her again.

"Good, now that, that is settled, how do we go about things at work?" she asked and he jumped at that question

"Work doesn't matter. You won't be working anymore, you're pregnant," he told her and she put her hand up to his mouth.

"Of course I'm still working, woman work till they are just about in labor," she told him and he got a bit stubborn

"No woman carrying my child"

"What the hell? Who the hell are you and what did you do with Lt McBain," she said not believing he would say something like that.

"Its to dangerous for you to work" he told her and she rebutted back "no its not" the two of them were arguing back and forth like children when Michael walked into the door.

"What 's all the bickering about guys?" Michael asked and John turned to him

"Tell her Mikey, tell her it's to dangerous for her to work while she is pregnant, tell her Mikey, now!" he said a bit loud and demanding

"No Michael tell you brother that it is perfectly fine for me to work till its time for the baby to come out, tell him what a jerk he is being" Natalie told Michael in almost as a demanding voice as John.

"Guys...guys... listen" Michael said as they started bickering again as Michael stood in the middle of them.

"Cool it the two of you!" Michael screamed as they both turned to look at him.

" Great now that I have your attention, first things first, Natalie, both you and the baby are fine, I don't for see any problems, you can go home today even. Second... John, there is no reason why Nat can't work during pregnancy, most woman do and it's fine."

"But...But Mike--" john started to tell him but stopped when he saw her look of satisfaction. He also turned and looked at Michael.

"Fine, we'll have to figure out how to keep our private lives out of work," he said and she smiled. She moved over slightly to the corner of the bed closest to him, brought her hands to the back of his neck, and started to kiss him. John participated in the kiss continuing to kiss her as they both forgot Michael was in the room.

"Okay, leaving now, will have your discharge papers in a few minutes..." he said as he started to walk out the door of the room when he stopped and looked back at them. Michael smiled, as his next words made them both turn quickly and look at him.

"Oh, and no love making or Monkey sex for a week, doctors orders" he almost ran out of the door knowing they would both be ganging up on him from those last statements.

Natalie turned her glare from Michael when he walked out the door to John, she was confused and looked into his eyes.

"What did he say about Monkey sex?" she asked as John laughed and took her lips again before she demanded an answer.


	26. Epilogue

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**Chapter 26**

John and Natalie lived together at the cottage for the next five months; they were getting to know each other and enjoying everything about Natalie's pregnancy. It was all going smoothly when, after months of trying to convince her to get married soon, before the baby was born, John had finally convinced her.

Getting married before the baby was born was just something he wanted, He wanted them to be husband and wife prior to their first-born coming into the world.

Natalie was about two and half weeks before her due date when they had arranged to go to the court house and be married. She was very pregnant and there was no hiding that. Although she wouldn't have minded waiting till after the baby's birth she knew how important it was to him.

John and Natalie walked into the courthouse along with a few family members. Vicky, Clint, Jess, Nash, Julia, and Michael were all there. It was the middle of the day, both John and Nat took a half-day from work and were anxiously waiting for the justice of the peace to return to his chambers to perform the service.

"Whoa" Natalie said as she stood talking to Jessica, she put her hand on her stomach. It was hardening and then stopping.

"Natalie" Jess said as Natalie felt a pain. A severe pain start in her back and move towards her front. She tried not to hold it, and she tried not to show it but she was pretty sure she was in labor.

"Natalie honey, are you having contractions?" Jess asked her and Natalie made an Shhhhing sound with her lips.

"I think I'm in Labor but don't say a word" she whispered to Jess

"Natalie honey if you 're in labor we have to go to the hospital, let me get John" Jess told her and she shook her head no "Natalie lets at least time your contractions"

" They're far apart, this could take hours right? First labors take long don't they? Yes, they do" Natalie said continuing to try and breathe normally as the pain was upon her again, Jessica saw the pain in her face.

"That's it, you have to go to the hospital or have Michael examine you," she told her

"No, not till we're married. This means a lot to John. It won't take long if that damn judge gets his ass in here" she told Jess and Jess shook her head.

"Natalie Honey"

"No Jess, this could take hours, I'll be Mrs. John McBain in a matter of minutes, don't say a word, owwwww..." she tried to stay calm, but the contractions were coming fast now, she looked over to John talking to Michael, she put on a happy face as they locked eye's for a few minutes as she hid the pain.

"Jessica, where the Hell is the damn Justice of the peace" she said thru gritted teeth, the pain was becoming unbearable, finally she looked up and saw the justice enter the room

"Thank God" she said and she moved closer to John so things could begin, the Justice said a few words, a few long words, as the contractions were getting worse.

John looked at Natalie as the Justice started to talk, to say a few words, aren't these things suppose to be fast, he thought shaking his head as he saw Natalie looking a bit pale. He was about to talk over the justice's words when he saw and heard her let out a huge scream of pain.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"Natalie...babe, what's wrong? Is it the baby?" John asked as everyone started gathering round

"No shit Sherlock" she said to him nastily, when Jess chimed in.

"She's in labor, her contractions are close"

"What? Why didn't you say anything?" John asked her and she seemed to be in too much pain to answer.

"Cause she didn't want to ruin this for you" Jess told him for her sister who was now sitting on the floor and had Michael checking to see what was going on.

"Natalie that is ridiculous" he told her and he could have sworn he saw her almost shooting fire from the look she gave him. Michael's next words made everyone turn and look at him.

"Natalie the baby is starting to crown, I have to deliver it now, here, I'll tell you when to push" everyone's, especially John's mouth dropped open. John just looked between Nat and Michael and then brought himself to sit behind her on the floor to support her and her back, he grabbed her hand and she squeezed it tight.

"Push Now Natalie, Push" Michael told her and she shook her head almost violently

"No, I want to be married first" she almost screamed out in pain as she squeezed John's hand tighter and tighter

"Natalie, afterwards is fine, you need to concentr--'

"NOW DAMN IT!" she yelled at him as he looked up toward s the justice of the peace who was in the back of the room away from everyone.

"You heard her," John told the justice as the man laughed

"There's no time Johnny" Michael said as John continued to stare at the justice. His stared got to the man and he walked over quickly, knelt next to them on the floor, as Michael started to have Natalie push again.

"The short version" Natalie managed to get out in between gritted teeth as a contraction came upon her again. "Now" she screamed as she started pushing.

"Do you both want to be married?" he asked and they both nodded their heads" okay, your married, I now give you Mr. and Mrs. John McBain" the justice of the peace said and Natalie pulled herself forward on her knees gave one push and pushed their daughter out.

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The years went by quickly for the McBain family; today was their daughters third birthday. Natalie looked around their home and got a bit teary as she glanced over to see John holding their precious angel as she was attempting to blow out the candles. Natalie smiled at first but then got a pain in her back, the pain then moved to the front of her very pregnant stomach.

Natalie let out a few breaths as she tried so hard not to let it show that she was in labor. She shook her head as she watched John lean Beth down slightly to blow out the candles, 'this can't be happening again, not like this again' she asked herself inside, as the pain came quicker and more intense.

Beth blew out the candles and the noise from their families clapping covered Natalie's screams of pain as she automatically brought herself to the floor, awaiting Michael to come over and deliver yet another one of her children.

John looked over to Natalie after Beth blew out the candles, she was sitting up on the floor with her hands on her knees, he was confused at first till he figured it out. He smiled then laughed even as he brought himself and Beth over to Natalie. He looked into her face and he knew.

"What are you laughing at McBain?" she told him a bit nastily as he smiled wider. He leaned Beth down to her. Natalie kissed the child's forehead.

" I love you Beth" Natalie told her as she kissed her

"I Love you too Mommy" the child said softly as John pulled the child away and handed her to her aunt Jessica a few feet away.

John got down on the floor with Natalie and screamed for Michael, who had been eating a piece of birthday cake and oblivious to the whole situation.

"Michael, do you think you could help us over here?" John asked as Michael finally realized Natalie was yet again in labor. He started walking towards them with his cake in hand.

"Michael do you think you can put the cake down and deliver my baby?" Natalie asked in gritted teeth. The pain, the burning sensation of having to push was getting to her, she had no patience for Michael being a dumbass.

A few minutes later Natalie let out a big push and pushed the newest member of their family out, a baby boy, a beautiful baby boy.

John held Natalie's back up against him as Marcie helped to swaddle the baby and bring him to Natalie to hold. The three of them sat in pure peace and happiness as John motioned for Beth to join them. She did and they sat in silence for a few minutes till Beth spoke out.

"Its a boy... I wanted a girl...can we send it back?" Beth asked innocently. John and Natalie looked at each other and laughed as John leaned in and kissed Natalie's forehead.

"I love you," he told her and she closed her eye's in peace

"I love you too"


End file.
